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BayAreaPhoenix · 02-02-2008, 10:11 PM

I mean that after waking up Friday "clear", today, when I found out that AH has placed yet another order for his codeine, I was just sad - not guilty, not gut jolting, just sad. He went through all these months of trying to taper on his own and then the two weeks over the holidays "detoxing" - what a MESS he was in (emotionally) and now, it's just back to where he was. I'm sad for him. I'm sad that he has so many things in his life that he just can't seem to face and does not have what it takes, yet, to want to reach out for the help that is there for him. I feel good being sad for him, because it's not about me, it's not about my life or my recovery, it's just for him and it's not consuming, but compassionate.

On the practical side of things, we are going to be opening discussions on the "practical" side of the end of our marriage next week - after I go over the numbers I have gotten together with my atty. He still believes, and wants me to believe, he can buy me out (if he has a secret stash - I can't wait to see it!). He also thinks he's buying a new truck - maybe he is. With what? Secret Stash? I have no idea what he thinks he's doing. He's either got a lot of money hidden somewhere - and that just goes to show he was not a partner or a husband - or he is completely delusional. Either way I'm ready. If he can't pay me, I can pay him.

I read the post from concernedsister about how much she enjoyed her sister when she was clean. I wonder, have I ever known the man I married "clean"? I honestly don't know. He admits to only 7 years of use, but when I look back to the beginning, and knowing how he was, some things have progressed, but not all that much. It wasn't OK on a lot of levels from the beginning and it makes me sad to think about that too - for anyone. To not be OK with who they are and the mistakes they've made. To learn it's OK not be perfect I think is so hard for most of us, but what some of us will do to kill that pain (when really it's not such a big deal once we go and deal with it) is really such a sad waste of a perfectly wonderful human being with so much to give. I grieve for all the addicts who hide themselves, what the world is missing with them hiding.

Anyhow, just had to get that out. Many many thanks. I couldn't be sad and peaceful right now if it wasn't for all of you! You give so many gifts and I thank you for this one! I have so far to go, but right now, I'm OK.

02-02-2008, 10:11 PM	#1 (permalink)
BayAreaPhoenix Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: To the North Posts: 1,040	A Little Sad ... But in a good way I mean that after waking up Friday "clear", today, when I found out that AH has placed yet another order for his codeine, I was just sad - not guilty, not gut jolting, just sad. He went through all these months of trying to taper on his own and then the two weeks over the holidays "detoxing" - what a MESS he was in (emotionally) and now, it's just back to where he was. I'm sad for him. I'm sad that he has so many things in his life that he just can't seem to face and does not have what it takes, yet, to want to reach out for the help that is there for him. I feel good being sad for him, because it's not about me, it's not about my life or my recovery, it's just for him and it's not consuming, but compassionate. On the practical side of things, we are going to be opening discussions on the "practical" side of the end of our marriage next week - after I go over the numbers I have gotten together with my atty. He still believes, and wants me to believe, he can buy me out (if he has a secret stash - I can't wait to see it!). He also thinks he's buying a new truck - maybe he is. With what? Secret Stash? I have no idea what he thinks he's doing. He's either got a lot of money hidden somewhere - and that just goes to show he was not a partner or a husband - or he is completely delusional. Either way I'm ready. If he can't pay me, I can pay him. I read the post from concernedsister about how much she enjoyed her sister when she was clean. I wonder, have I ever known the man I married "clean"? I honestly don't know. He admits to only 7 years of use, but when I look back to the beginning, and knowing how he was, some things have progressed, but not all that much. It wasn't OK on a lot of levels from the beginning and it makes me sad to think about that too - for anyone. To not be OK with who they are and the mistakes they've made. To learn it's OK not be perfect I think is so hard for most of us, but what some of us will do to kill that pain (when really it's not such a big deal once we go and deal with it) is really such a sad waste of a perfectly wonderful human being with so much to give. I grieve for all the addicts who hide themselves, what the world is missing with them hiding. Anyhow, just had to get that out. Many many thanks. I couldn't be sad and peaceful right now if it wasn't for all of you! You give so many gifts and I thank you for this one! I have so far to go, but right now, I'm OK.