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Originally Posted by nandm  My question comes about though because she asks a lot of questions regarding my childhood. I am very conflicted regarding my childhood. I believe my parents did the best with the tools they had. I also know that no one is perfect and children don't come with a handbook. Although my parents believed in the Bible as a handbook. "Spare the rod spoil the child," "children should be seen and not heard,'" etc... But I believe that they meant no harm just followed what they learned.
The other side is the negative side of my childhood. Growing up emotions were something we knew not to show, whether it be laughing, crying, anger, frustration, happiness, etc.... I had night terrors, hated going to bed, terrified of going to sleep, would hide under the covers with my stuffed animals around my head with only a little air hole to breath through so if someone looked in the room, in my mind, they would just think the bed was made and no one was there. I am not sure exactly when the molestation by my father began. It also happened with my two older and one younger sisters. So I don't know if the sleep thing is related to that or not. Hadn't gotten there yet and not sure I want to...lol. Hugs and touching in a positive way were not something we did as a family. My sisters and I were never really close. To get to sleep I had to go into a fantasy world. |
I'm really sorry that that's how you had to grow up.
I could not imagine what it would be like to be beat by my parents, but I know how it is to grow up in a home where you can't show emotions. And my dad had a temper. Especially when I was younger. He'd never hurt me(which I am very thankful for), but he'd smash lots of things in the house. The worst part of it was saturdays. He declared saturday to be a chore day. That alone isn't a big deal, but his temper about it was. I can hardly remember a weekend where my siblings and I worked to his expectations. So every saturday would be a bad day. And when the school week was coming to an end. I knew I couldn't enjoy it because on saturday I was going to be miserable. And saturday morning, I knew other kids were probably sleeping in, or otherwise enjoying themselves. And he was just such a bitter man. Sometimes he would smile and silently chuckle, but I never heard him laugh until I was 17. And family vacations were some of the worst moments of my childhood. Those are supposed to be good times... I'm still really young (I'm only 19) But I'm trying to work things out with my parents slowly so that maybe we can have a healthier relationship as I become an adult.
It's hard to love people who hurt you so deeply. Maybe through more talking and exploring the issues with your counselor, you'll be able to figure out what level of forgiveness/compassion is right. And even though it might feel like it's not a good idea to explore the past, bringing it out into the open with others is probably the best thing you can do.