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Originally Posted by nandm  But I believe that they meant no harm just followed what they learned. |
Initially, I used the ’they did the best that they could with what they knew’ slogan too. But for me…that was an excuse to put them on a pedestal and participate with them in hiding the family ’issues and shame’. I also used that as a means to ’not’ face and own my feelings about how I was raised. I shoved them under some carpet somewhere. I guess I didn’t have tools to deal with them as a child, or as an adult. I took all of the blame. That wasn’t fair, or right! But, I was a child.
However, it was when I began looking back over my life, wondering why I accepted unacceptable behavior from most everyone in my life, what did I base my reasons on for the choices I’ve made in my life, that it all pointed back to my childhood. That was where ’my foundation’ was! That’s where it all started. I had to risk the ‘superficial’ adult-like relationship I had with my folks because I wasn‘t being real. I had to risk getting really angry with them for the things they’ve done to me as a child. I had to cut them out of my life for a brief period of time as I was opening up and allowing myself to feel those feelings that ‘I was not allowed to feel, or express’ as a child.
Although the tools I had in childhood, like stuffing or ignoring my feelings were pretty good survival skills back then, they did nothing to serve me now. The very same survival skills I had when little, were now killing me. Once I began to have that awareness, I began to change my life, my choices, my reactions, etc.
After allowing myself to feel it, and express it, I can begin to have compassion for them as I honestly and truly say, “they did the best that they could with what they knew”. But see, the same applies to me too! If I forgive them, then I also have to be forgiving of myself. If I have compassion for them, then I also need to have compassion for myself.
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Originally Posted by nandm
Growing up emotions were something we knew not to show, whether it be laughing, crying, anger, frustration, happiness, etc.... Hugs and touching in a positive way were not something we did as a family.
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Yup, same here! I was told to think what I was told to think! And I damn better pray that I jumped high enough when commanded to. The only physical contact that I remember is being hit or beaten down to the ground.
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Originally Posted by nandm I
I am confused about how to reconcile this as I think it is ridiculous to blame all my problems on my childhood as I do have choices in life. I don't believe I am an alcoholic because of the way I was raised, or that bad things occurred in my life because of the way I was raised or that my poor choices in life were anything more than poor choices I made. |
I used to believe that too. I look at it this way…I was born a clean slate. I wasn’t born stuffing my emotions; I learned to do that to stay safe. I had no control over my upbringing and the lessons that were forced down my throat. As a child, survival was the most important thing. Here’s an example of my early ‘stuffing of my emotions’ lessons…..
When I was three, I had a horrible nightmare and I woke up crying and was so afraid. My Dad came in and yelled at me for being awake, and beat me. So now, I was scared from my nightmare and scared of real life based on my Dad’s reaction. Actually, he scared me more than my nightmare. It is my fault I was scared from a horrible nightmare and cried? No, that’s what children do. If I’m not to blame here, then who is? My Dad! Yes…his reaction was totally inappropriate, totally unhealthy, and totally unacceptable? I had to be able to admit that my parents made very, very poor choices in the upbringing of their children.
Although I had to feel the anger towards my folks, I think it would have been wrong for me to remain forever stuck there, and, I’m glad I didn’t. I had to admit that it happened!!! But, I had to feel all of those ugly stuffed emotions, admit that I endured ‘years’ of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. I then had to learn there was no way to go back in time and ‘fix’ those events of my life. But, instead, learn to not let them repeat again in my life…hence, making better choices for myself.
I don't know if this made any sense as I got a little emotional while typing it, LOL. But I hope you might find something useful in it.
P.S. One of my biggest blocks for going back to my childhood issues, and allowing myself to feel anger about it, was that I was afraid if I ever expressed it, my parents would die! Like, they might have a heart attack, stroke, or some other horrible illness, and, it would have been my fault because I expressed what I was feeling. It took a very long time for me to 'risk it' and work through those feelings, before I was able to admit how I really felt. I guess it's true...children blame themselves for just about everything!