[nandm]

I am curious to hear your experiences, if any, regarding how you deal with conflicting feelings toward your parent.

Sorry for the long explanation regarding my question but please bear with me.

I recently changed therapists for my PTSD, anxiety disorder, and depression. Today was th 4th time I have seen her. Her technique is quite different than that of my previous therapist. She seems to really be into the "inner child" thing. I say that with skepticism as I have never really felt it was something I could apply to my life. I am learning though that keeping an open mind is beneficial. Some of what she says makes a lot of sense and does seem to apply directly to my life and my coping mechanisms.

My question comes about though because she asks a lot of questions regarding my childhood. I am very conflicted regarding my childhood. I believe my parents did the best with the tools they had. I also know that no one is perfect and children don't come with a handbook. Although my parents believed in the Bible as a handbook. "Spare the rod spoil the child," "children should be seen and not heard,'" etc... But I believe that they meant no harm just followed what they learned.

The other side is the negative side of my childhood. Growing up emotions were something we knew not to show, whether it be laughing, crying, anger, frustration, happiness, etc.... I had night terrors, hated going to bed, terrified of going to sleep, would hide under the covers with my stuffed animals around my head with only a little air hole to breath through so if someone looked in the room, in my mind, they would just think the bed was made and no one was there. I am not sure exactly when the molestation by my father began. It also happened with my two older and one younger sisters. So I don't know if the sleep thing is related to that or not. Hadn't gotten there yet and not sure I want to...lol. Hugs and touching in a positive way were not something we did as a family. My sisters and I were never really close. To get to sleep I had to go into a fantasy world.

So my conflict comes in from the compassion I have toward my parents as I know they did the best they could and the insanity of the way I was raised. I am confused about how to reconcile this as I think it is ridiculous to blame all my problems on my childhood as I do have choices in life. I don't believe I am an alcoholic because of the way I was raised, or that bad things occurred in my life because of the way I was raised or that my poor choices in life were anything more than poor choices I made.

So have you had any similiar experiences? How did you reconcile the situation?

Thank you for sharing.