[tw33k]

I woke up this morning and just wanna cry. My life is a mess. I have no money, I'm living with an alcoholic who spends most of her days lately in bed sick. I'm trying to save money so i can move interstate to live with my girlfriend but I don't have any savings.
I take my meds daily, i see a psychologist every week for cbt (i see her today). I see my psychiatrist monthly to monitor my meds (i see her tomorrow).
I had to pawn my laptop to pay for my suboxone yesterday, so next pay I'm barely gonna have enough money to book a flight (I'm meant to leave on 14th Feb)
My girlfriend said she is ready and able to deal with my bi-polar and anxiety but i have my doubts. She's a nurse so does have some insight, but some of the phone calls we have I end up hanging up because it feels she doesn't get what I'm saying.
I'm taking a huge risk in moving up there with her, but I love her soo much. Or maybe I'm just confused and don't really know what I want.
Sometimes, I wish I just wouldn't wake up. You know when Heath Ledger died? My first thought was "why is he allowed to but I'm not". I've taken massive overdoses and should be dead. Obviously God has plans for me but I wish he'd tell me what they were because I seem to be just drifting from place to place. I haven't had a stable a stable home since my divorce in 05.
I'll continue doing what I'm doing. We all have ups and downs. Maybe this is just a down day for me.