thanx lilya!
it feels good to know that im not the only one whos been in that situation. what you wrote about adrenaline, toxic chemistry and decreasing depression was very helpful. he was in a way my other drug of choice. i left my bf of 3 years to be his prisoner, although i liked being his "object". i havent really been able to look at the situation without anger being my first reaction until now. i am sad about it. but im not sad really that im not with him anymore, im just sad that the "fantasy" is over. theres nothing now for me to chase after and like you were saying, theres no more drama and excitement.
my fear of men, and the fact that im still finding "me" has kept me from having any sort of relationship with a man. not including my relationship with my father and grandfather. mostly im afraid. very afraid of him still. why? i dont know. while in the first 5 months of recovery, i had trouble sleeping, because i was sure he'd come in the middle of the night and slash my tires (he's done that before to random peoples cars because he was so paranoid).
i try not to let him control my thoughts still, and have made some progress. although, i find myself redecorating my room to look like his that we shared (and that he locked me in for hours). and i find myself buying cds that he listened to even though i dont have much interest in his music interests. even find myself cooking meals he used to cook for me. dont know whats up with that...lol.
thanx for the encouragement lilya! its almost thanksgiving and i have so much to be thankful for. i think ill be thankful that hes out of my life and that i have found such support on this site. its still going to be rough, but this too shall pass. and ive got to keep praying and reading the bible and asking GOD to help me!
thanx so much
