Dotcom,
I feel for you. This is very painful.
Relationships like the one you just described are toxic, so they become like a drug. Your fascination with the man is based on fear and excitement, which releases a lot of adrenaline in your body. The adreanline, in turn, decreases the level of depression. In the long run it´s very toxic for the body.
It´s the highs and lows that account for the drama and excitement in the relationship, so it´s hard to find another man who can provide for so much. But it´s based on toxic chemistry and everything built on sand cannot really last.
True human values, such as integrity, loyality and true love last longer.
I was once like you, very much in love with a man, dangerous and exciting, 11 years older then me. We quarreled, and I never knew hos he would be from one day to the last. When we made up, the passion was overwhelming. That´s why I loved him so much, or to correct myself: That´s why I was in love with the fantasie he provided. He asked me to marry him, we bought the dress, got the church and invited all those people, but then he left just before the wedding, resulting in a serious breakdown for me.
Let me know how you´re doing. Remember that we get over things, if we love and respect ourselves enough. You´re only 19, and you have your whole life before you. Don´t worry, there will be other men.
