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lightseeker · 01-25-2008, 11:00 PM

I understand how you're feeling. I have struggled with acceptance as well. I've learned to discern that there is a difference between acceptance and acceptable behavior. Sometimes, my accepting a situation has led me to putting on my victim dress. I accept that RAH is going to behave however he is going to behave. I also know that those behaviors might not be acceptable to me though and nor something that I want to live with. There is a big difference between the two concepts and it took me a long time to recognize that.

Whenever I have a resentment it helps me to immediately begin to understand my part of it....generally, it has to do with denial, poor self care, lack of boundaries, lack of self-discipline to carry out the consequences for broaching those boundaries. All that 4th step stuff.

I've always heard that if you are having trouble with a step, then you need to go back to the one before it and rework that. I really wasn't able to get where I needed to go by just reading alanon literature. I've really needed a sponsor and face to face meetings. I've started over again and again with step one: I am powerless and my life is unmanageable. Honestly admitting my circumstances allows me to finally get to work on what I need to work on...the steps show me the way. My thinking has become extremely distorted while living in the realm of addiction...I have needed the steps to relearn how to live life. All of those problems that you speak of have a solution. The solution cannot be found with an active addict....that is unfortunate but true. Even when they are not in the throws of using their brains are hijacked and you are not really dealing with the real person. I'm not saying that you can't remain with an active addict - just that they really aren't capable of true partnership.

Living with and loving an active addict is an extremely difficult situation. There is a lot of pain that bubbles to the surface as time passes. I've had to go to "school" to learn how to process the resentments and let go of them. It takes work but it can be done.

You are on to a program that can help you learn how to deal with all of those things. No one will tell you to stay or leave an addict...I love mine and chose not to leave him. Once I chose loving myself and doing right by myself everything began to change between us. RAH has been sober from crack/drugs/alcohol now for 2 1/2 years. We didn't stand a chance without me working a strong recovery. It has been the hardest journey of my life but we have today.

Thank you for sharing and helping to remind me to stay true to myself. I am so grateful to have this forum and glad that you are here and posting.

Love, Donna

01-25-2008, 11:00 PM	#7 (permalink)
lightseeker Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: North Carolina Posts: 1,241 Blog Entries: 11	I understand how you're feeling. I have struggled with acceptance as well. I've learned to discern that there is a difference between acceptance and acceptable behavior. Sometimes, my accepting a situation has led me to putting on my victim dress. I accept that RAH is going to behave however he is going to behave. I also know that those behaviors might not be acceptable to me though and nor something that I want to live with. There is a big difference between the two concepts and it took me a long time to recognize that. Whenever I have a resentment it helps me to immediately begin to understand my part of it....generally, it has to do with denial, poor self care, lack of boundaries, lack of self-discipline to carry out the consequences for broaching those boundaries. All that 4th step stuff. I've always heard that if you are having trouble with a step, then you need to go back to the one before it and rework that. I really wasn't able to get where I needed to go by just reading alanon literature. I've really needed a sponsor and face to face meetings. I've started over again and again with step one: I am powerless and my life is unmanageable. Honestly admitting my circumstances allows me to finally get to work on what I need to work on...the steps show me the way. My thinking has become extremely distorted while living in the realm of addiction...I have needed the steps to relearn how to live life. All of those problems that you speak of have a solution. The solution cannot be found with an active addict....that is unfortunate but true. Even when they are not in the throws of using their brains are hijacked and you are not really dealing with the real person. I'm not saying that you can't remain with an active addict - just that they really aren't capable of true partnership. Living with and loving an active addict is an extremely difficult situation. There is a lot of pain that bubbles to the surface as time passes. I've had to go to "school" to learn how to process the resentments and let go of them. It takes work but it can be done. You are on to a program that can help you learn how to deal with all of those things. No one will tell you to stay or leave an addict...I love mine and chose not to leave him. Once I chose loving myself and doing right by myself everything began to change between us. RAH has been sober from crack/drugs/alcohol now for 2 1/2 years. We didn't stand a chance without me working a strong recovery. It has been the hardest journey of my life but we have today. Thank you for sharing and helping to remind me to stay true to myself. I am so grateful to have this forum and glad that you are here and posting. Love, Donna __________________ "If I stay in the light of what I can do to make my life better, rather than in the darkness of anger, blame and fear of the problem, my path remains lit and my world is a better place."