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dotcom · 11-24-2003, 09:27 PM

hi its me again

today i was really thinking about how much i miss my ex. i have to get it all out here because my fam and friends would be worried if i told them.

i was 18 and him 34. we used together. he was an alcoholic/tweaker/pill popper/heroine addict. i never liked downers or pills, so i stuck with my crystal.

sometimes, we'd go places and he'd be the sweetest guy in the world! never have i met such a gentleman. he bought me some expensive gifts...he was the first man who ever did anything so nice for me. but then there was the mean side. the side that liked to threaten, yell, scream at and abuse me. the side that threw knives and cans of soda at me.

hed have a friend over and everything would be fine...and then out of the blue hed be accusing me of flirting with the guy. next thing i knew he was flinging my purse at me, threatening to beat my face off if i didnt leave immediately...then the next day hed be begging me to come back.

once during one of his mood swings, he threw a bag of food i had just purchased at the drive through out the window. i was so scared because he was screaming i didnt want to upset him. i was hoping i could just get him to his house so hed get out of the car and i could leave safely. those minutes felt like hours, i felt so vulnerable and alone.

i realize it was my choice to stay with him throughout that mess. why? i was a junkie and i made poor decisions for myself. but the loss still hurts. i cant decide whether these feelings are coming from the fact that im abstaining from sex (not meaning to be nasty) and im just reaching out for any "sexual contact" or what?
he was the last person i had intercourse with and that may have something to do with it.

oh gosh, it sort of feels better to get that out. its hard being 19 and abstaining! thanx for listening

dotcom

11-24-2003, 09:27 PM	#1 (permalink)
dotcom Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: laughing at my avatar Posts: 1,636	missing him... hi its me again today i was really thinking about how much i miss my ex. i have to get it all out here because my fam and friends would be worried if i told them. i was 18 and him 34. we used together. he was an alcoholic/tweaker/pill popper/heroine addict. i never liked downers or pills, so i stuck with my crystal. sometimes, we'd go places and he'd be the sweetest guy in the world! never have i met such a gentleman. he bought me some expensive gifts...he was the first man who ever did anything so nice for me. but then there was the mean side. the side that liked to threaten, yell, scream at and abuse me. the side that threw knives and cans of soda at me. hed have a friend over and everything would be fine...and then out of the blue hed be accusing me of flirting with the guy. next thing i knew he was flinging my purse at me, threatening to beat my face off if i didnt leave immediately...then the next day hed be begging me to come back. once during one of his mood swings, he threw a bag of food i had just purchased at the drive through out the window. i was so scared because he was screaming i didnt want to upset him. i was hoping i could just get him to his house so hed get out of the car and i could leave safely. those minutes felt like hours, i felt so vulnerable and alone. i realize it was my choice to stay with him throughout that mess. why? i was a junkie and i made poor decisions for myself. but the loss still hurts. i cant decide whether these feelings are coming from the fact that im abstaining from sex (not meaning to be nasty) and im just reaching out for any "sexual contact" or what? he was the last person i had intercourse with and that may have something to do with it. oh gosh, it sort of feels better to get that out. its hard being 19 and abstaining! thanx for listening dotcom __________________ probably not.