[shutterbug]

It's the middle of the night and I drank too much Dr. Pepper this evening to be able to sleep well and so it finally hit me a moment ago that I should start a new journal....seeing as how it's the beginning of a new year anyway and seeing as how I also just got out of the hospital where I spent more than 2 weeks having ECT treatments for the first time in my life.

So yep....I've been rolled into the OR...been put to sleep and had my brain shocked 12 different times over the past several weeks in an attempt to rid myself of this 3rd major depressive episode I've been battling with.

It's been an experience....let me tell ya!

I'm scheduled to have my 13th shock threatment this Friday, but in talking with my mother last night I have decided that I do not want to go through with another one right now. My ECT doctor told me that it normally takes 6-8 treatments to see any results and that's fine and dandy, but 12 treatments has affected me more than I was prepared for. See....I knew that the treatments would affect my short-term memory, but I was not prepared to have has much difficulties as I am experiencing. And I think I would have been okay if I would have only had 8 treatments or so, but I've had to have 12 because after my first 6..... my ECT doc went on vacation for two weeks....so when he came back it was necessary for me to start back from the beginning!

I have yet to express to him that I am not happy about this. I mean....it totally baffles me as to why he didn't simply wait until AFTER his vacation before he began my treatments???????????????? Because now I've already had more total treatments than I should have needed in order to rid myself of the depression.

AND the problem with have more treatments than medically necessary is that each one has caused me to loose short-term memory functioning and I constantly feel like all the words I'm trying to think of are on the tip of my tongue and I just can't ever think of them! It's the most annoyingly frustraiting thing!

And today was my 2nd day back at work after being off for 6 weeks....and let's just say that it is a DARN good thing that I typed up password instructions and other things for freelancers filling in for me while I was gone because NOW I need my own instructions!!! And they are still not enough!!! Which is the part that sucks because I keep having to ask my co-workers questions about our computer system that I should easily already know the answers to.

One good thing about me having been in the mental hospital for more than 2 weeks is that they slapped a new nicotine patch on me each day....and while I didn't think that it would keep me from smoking once I got out of the hospital.....it has!!!!! I lit one up after I'd gotten home that first night and it tasted SO bad that I quickly put it out and haven't lit one since....which has been 4 days now. So I'm SOOOOOOOO happy about that!!!! Although, tonight at work....it was quite a difficult day and I kept have urges to go take a break from my desk. My boss told me that was the hardest part he had about quitting too....he kept wanting to "go" for a "breather" so he said he learned to start walking "really" slowly back to his office during certain times of the day. So....I guess I'll learn to get past it too.

Oh....another reason why I've decided to call my ECT doc and cancel my 13th treatment is because today and yesterday I started noticing some very new and very manic-type mental patterns going on that were quite disturbing to me. I did not like, enjoy or handle them well at all....and all told they happened about 3 times today. NO MORE of those thanks!!!!!!

Still haven't "officially" gotten the paperwork for my HR Director for me to "officially" suppose to be back working....because my doctor and the hospital are all goofballs who don't care much about stuff like "medical discharge papers".

And I'm suppose to get the title in the morning to the cheap car I'm buying ....actually, I was suppose to have gotten it today, but they guy I'm buying it from supposedly had to be in school all day or something very suspicious like. It had my mom flipping out and making me flip out.....and ended with me calling the cops and telling them I suspected the car I was buying used was a stolen car. And had them telling me that the name on the title was NOT the name of the guy who was selling me the car....and had us further flipping out when that guy wouldn't call us back or answer his phone when my mom tried calling him. BUT, finally.....he did call my mom back and is suppose to call me in the morning to finalize the title transfer and all of that....so that made my mom happy. But let me tell you!!!! It made for a VERY stressful day for me today!!!!!

Oh....and the dental place that I owe $3,000 to and which is the only reason why I even have any money to buy a used car with anyway....well....THEY called me today too to ask when I'd be paying them their money. Good Grief. I think what I'll do is mail them a check for $1,500 this week so that I will know for sure that it got paid to them and that I don't actidentally spend it over time or anything. And then pay them back the other half as soon as I can come up with it.

My hopes are that.....the police will quite being ninnies....and will find MY real car.:praying Then, when that happens...I can re-sell this cheapie thing and get the money back out of it. That's my hope.

Well, I've been up for an hour now and I think I'm finally sleepy enough to fall back a sleep.

Thank all of you who ever stop by to say hi. SR wouldn't be SR if it wasn't for each one of you!!!
:ghug