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A couple of months ago I swore up and down I was not codependent. At the time I didn't fully understand what it means to be codependent (and still don't). My reasoning was that I don't seek out others and try to fix their problems or control things. I was forced into it -- a victim of circumstance so to speak. And I HATED that I HAD to do it -- but those people always DUMP their problems at my feet. There was always enough of the problem that was "my" problem, that I felt obligated to take it on an take care of it. If I didn't someone innocent (i.e. my children) would suffer. But boy, I was angry and resentful. This checklist is great -- and let me share something that happened today:
Background - I have separated from AH (when I did I cancelled our newspaper subscription); my daughter spends every other weekend with him. He uses a woodstove to heat the house. My daughter and I were in the car alone together:
Daughter: Since we don't get the newspaper anymore, Dad is running out of old newspapers to use to start the woodstove.
Me - getting pissed off -- because either : a) he asked her to tell me this to try to get me to solve it, or b) she is becoming codependent and feeling like she needs to take these things on herself and solve them. And then - I start thinking of solving it by coming up with a variety of ideas to provide them newspapers or suggest alternatives to use. And then I realize what I am doing and I STOP!!!!!
ME: You know I only buy the Sunday paper now; if you want to take it to the house with you next time you can.
And I even stopped myself from spouting off about how he should not have asked her to do this; and or commenting on how I question his intelligence if he can't solve this little problem on his own.
DAUGHTER: Oh, OK.
End of discussion.
Not perfect -- but better (I think).
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