[Morning Glory]

I've come a long way, but have a long way to go.


Codependency: Involves a habitual system of thinking, feeling, and behaving toward ourselves and others that can cause pain. Codependent behaviors or habits are self-destructive. We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves. These habits can lead us into, or keep us in, destructive relationships that don’t work.

Characteristics

Codependents may,

• Think and feel responsible for other people—for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.

• Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.

• Feel compelled –almost forced — to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.

• Wonder why others don’t do the same for them.

• Don’t really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.

• Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.

• Try to please others instead of themselves.

• Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than injustices done to themselves.

• Feel safest when giving.

• Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.

• Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.

• Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don’t have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.

• Abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
• Over commit themselves.

• Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used

Codependents tend to:

• Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.

• Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indigent when others blame and criticize the codependents — something codependents regularly do to themselves.

• Get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation)

• Take things personally.

• Have been victims of alcoholism.

• Be afraid of making mistakes.

• Wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.

• Have a lot of “shoulds”.

• Try to help other people live their lives instead.

• Try to prove they’re good enough for other people.

• Settle for being needed.

• Feel terribly anxious about problems and people.

• Worry about the silliest things.

• Think and talk a lot about other people.

• Lose sleep over problems or other people’s behavior.

• Worry

• Never Find answers.

• Check on people.

• Feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems.

• Abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something.

• Focus all their energy on other people and problems.

• Wonder why they never have any energy.

• Wonder why they can’t get things done.

• Ignore problems or pretend they aren’t happening.

• Pretend circumstances aren’t as bad as they are.

• Tell themselves things will be better tomorrow.

• Stay busy so they don’t have to think about things.

• Get depressed or sick.

• Spend money compulsively.

• Overeat.

• Watch problems get worse.

• Believe lies.

• Wonder why they feel like they’re going crazy.

• Don’t feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.

• Look for happiness outside themselves.

• Latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness.

• Feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think proves their happiness.

• Don’t love themselves.

• Often seek love from people incapable of loving.

• Believe other people are never there for them.

• Equate love with pain.

• Try to prove they’re good enough to be loved.

• Don’t take time to see if other people are good for them.

• Don’t take time to figure out if they love or like other people.

• Center their lives around other people.
• Look for relationships to provide all their good feelings.

• Lost interest in their own lives when they love.

• Worry other people will leave them.

• Stay in relationships that don’t work.

• Tolerate abuse to keep people loving them.

• Feel trapped in relationships.

• Leave bad relationships and form new ones that don’t work either.

• Find it difficult to get to the point.

• Aren’t sure what the point is.

• Try to say what they think will please people.

• Eliminate the word NO from their vocabulary.

• Want to express their opinions until they know other people’s opinions.

• Have a difficult time asserting their rights.

• Say they won’t tolerate certain behaviors from other people.

• Gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they would never do.

• Let others hurt them.

• Keep letting others hurt them.

• Wonder why they hurt so badly.

• Complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.

• Finally get angry.

• Don’t trust other people.

• Try to trust untrustworthy people.

• Feel very scared, hurt, and angry

• Live with people who are very scared, hurt, and angry.

• Are afraid of their own anger.

• Are frightened of other people’s anger.

• Feel controlled by other people’s anger.

• Repress their angry feelings.

• Are afraid to make other people feel anger.

• Cry a lot, get depressed, overact, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile, or have violent temper outbursts.

• Punish other people for making the codependents angry.

• Have been shamed for feeling angry.

• Feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment, and bitterness.

• Feel safer with their anger than hurt feelings.

• Wonder if they’ll ever not be angry.

• Are caretakers in the bedroom.

• Have sex when they don’t want to.

• Have sex when they’d rather be held, nurtured, and loved.

• Try to have sex when they’re angry or hurt.

• Are afraid of losing control.

• Have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed.

• Make up reasons to abstain

• Be extremely responsible or Be extremely irresponsible.

• Find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.

• Have an overall passive response to codependency — crying, hurt, helplessness.

• Combine passive and aggressive responses.

• Vacillate in decisions and emotions.

• Stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts.

• Cover up, lie, and protect the problem.

• Feel lethargic.

• Feel depressed.

• Become withdrawn and isolated.

• Experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure.