queenteree

As you all know, my AH is court mandated to an outpatient alcohol treatment program 4 nights a week/3 hours a night. He has been going and passing all his random tests. But I know he has been drinking under the radar on weekends. No regular person can tell, but I can. It is then that he brings up the court thing, and you can just see and hear in his tone the resentment he has towards me. He also hurt himself very badly last weekend, and when he's had a couple, he makes light of it and jokes about it.
He comes home from his sessions telling me what they learned, what the topic was, etc., I just listen and say "oh, OK", blah blah blah, don't really care, what's the sense if he's drinking on weekends, right?
Anyway, he has a lawyer for our court date on the first, so he's planning on getting the whole thing dropped (which may very well happen, since it's not against the law to be an alcoholic and it is against his rights to force treatment).
So the other night he tells me he tells his counselor he knows what he's got to do to be sober, but he's not "there yet". I said "what do you mean?" He said he's not ready yet, he's 75% ready. I said well you only got 2 more weeks of treatment (cause that's when he'll get it dropped), what's going to change. He said he wanted to still go twice a week. I said "why bother if you're still going to drink." Well, then the attitude starts - him saying "why am I doing all this then, if you think I'm not serious?" DUH - YOU'RE DOING IT CAUSE YOUR COURT ORDERED (IDIOT). Then he says "if I wasn't serious, I wouldn't want to do it twice a week." I said "No, if you were serious, you'd do what it takes to want to be sober and stay sober."
This morning he says I never want to do anything w/him anymore, like go to our place upstate, etc. Yeah, I don't want to cause he'll be drinking the whole time and sneaking it. He says "don't you think I want a normal life?" I said "truth be told, no, and I don't think we'll ever have a normal life, your alcoholism has caused all sorts of problems. You think if you stop (or say you've stopped) all our problems will go away. The problem is not that you drink, it's how you've acted all along while you're drinking. And if you ever did stop, how would life ever be normal with the threat of relapse, etc." (He's plainly said that AA and therapy tells him "one day at a time" which he miscontrues for his own benefit to mean "if I drink tomorrow, it's OK as long as I stop once in a while", not it's original meaning which I construe as "I won't drink today, can't guarantee I won't drink tomorrow, but will do my very best not to cause I truly want sobriety." Of course, it's me, he's trying and nothing is ever good enough for me. Why is he doing all this, etc., all he hears from me is calling him an alcoholic 20 times in the morning (which, yes I did the other day cause I told him I knew he drank on Sunday and he said he can control it, that's the way he's planning on doing it, he just "never wanted to control it" before, etc.) I said "you admit your an alcoholic and you know alcoholics can't control it" and "that's alcoholic thinking, it's the disease tricking you into thinking you can control it" Now he calls me at work, says he's sorry for getting upset this morning but he's sick of me calling him an alcoholic 20 times, how would I like it if he kept bringing up my smoking. I said I had to go and he told me "have a nice day".
The bad part of this is now after he goes to therapy tonite, he doesn't have to go back till Monday. I'm so p***ed off that I fell into it, fell into that trap he was setting, again. Set it up all week so I am the blame for the drinking this weekend.
When will I ever learn??????