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((((SSP)))) My heart breaks for you because I could have written exactly what you wrote 1000000000000000000023490283409234 times. The one person you are really letting down is yourself. I know what the self-punishment is like. Just for today, I decide I am worth being healthy and giving my body what it needs. I have a goal of swimming a long race in December so that also gives me somethingto focus on.
You may want to stop weighing yourself too. Juding yourself by a number isn't a good thing. Try on a pair of trousers or something that should fit works better for me. Most of all, remember we are here for you!
The other thing that makes a massive difference for me is a support group. I'm not in OA anymore but that could certainly help having people to call. I'm in an online exercise group with other swimmers and though their relationship with food is totally normal - weirdos!! - it's really good to be able to share. We're not supposed to live in isolation!
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