[2stop]

Thank you Lilya...I do feel like a juvenile..and doing something to REALLY give her a reason to talk about me..LOL..oh my..at least it made me laugh. I do not like how strong my emotions are being clean and sober. Almost took a nice shot of Tequila, but was only enough for one good shot left so left it alone.. I actually wanted to drink til I passed out! For shame!! :o I hope this does pass..I always truly feel it won't. I have so much to be thankful for..but my brain, my thinking..why can't I straighten it out?? I don't know how I got so bad...I justw antn to drive again, walk freely in public...and work..take my kids to fun places..I feel I have failed them so much..and it breaks my heart. it brings tears right now..my daughter craves to have a social life..and I so want to give it to her. We have some really neat stuff in the area....I do go out as much as I can, I let theer friends come over..there friends always love it at ou house, but I always think if they knew how crazy I was...nobody would come into my house...I am grieving me, the real me that IS vinrant and outgoing, and social..and energetic......I feel so dead inside, I feel grief. It's shameful and self pity I know. but I have to get it out. My mother didn't even know I had a hysterectomy at 26, 5 years ago..she says I don't remember. She always acyed like to outsiders she was the "perfect" mother..but dear God, she would limit how much toilet paper you could use, take light bulbs out of yoru room if you forgot to shut off the light, kicked me out to the streets when i was pregnant, ran me over with her car..through all thsi I still think..she loves me..she has to she's my mother...but now the grief stes in..and I have to somehow comes to terms that I do not have a mothet..and I will be fine without her..Yes! this is what I will write out in my journal..and let myself feel the pain...it just hrts so bad. I still revert to she will kill herself if I make her mad..I have to save her..I cannot save her..I am having ahell of atime saving myself! LOL..Thank you girls. I love you all so much.. Couldn't make it without ya.