[2stop]

You know even though I have been an addict since I was ten, the real problem for me is/was being so damned depressed and crazy in the head. This is what I must battle/fight/win...I made such a mistake with moving my mother up here. She is really making the rounds. bad mouthing, telling people she is concerned with mu kids welfare!! I am so upset over this. The panic attacks are unbearable today. I am close to ordering xanax and saying to hell with it. I have to have some sanity, something besides pain and nervous tension every damned minute. I have tried faking it soooooo hard. I can't be fake anymore!! Forget about the issues with my mother..I can not drive anymore from panic/agoraphobia1! I have to fling myself out the door to even get cigs and several times the past few weeks I could not even go get cigs I was that scared. I have always (until past few years0 been able to force myself. I always confornted the fear and did it anyways. I am so upset right this minute I cannot see straight, My dad is in the hospital calling me every few hours telling my they gave me klonopin, oh they just gave me 2 percocets...then another call..talk talk atalk..they just gave a shot of morphine!! Like a loyal addict I am salivating at the very thought. I AM WEAK!!!!! and nobody telling me I am strong will chang e the facts thaT i Cannot FUNCTION WELL IN LIFE.....I am so sorry to vent like this, just need to do something before I lose my mind. I honestly think I am losing mymind..and that shames me to no end it really really does. antidepressants do not work on me anymore. I have taken about every one of them...I don't want to be addicted to xanax but good grief what am I gonna do about the panic attacks?? I am just about to lock myself in my room and sleep for a week I am so exhausted with trying trying trying...I am a mental misfit and I should never be offering anyone advice or encouragement when I am FAKING my own well-being most of the time....I am amsory if you just read this BS....I am also sorry I am so weak as a human being, but I know in my heart how hard I have tried. It's the only thing that comforts me...knowing I gave it my best....