[nandm]

Still having some residual effects from an earlier event that not long ago would not have affected me (or maybe I just would not have been able to recognize the feeling that it bothered me). My SO usually has the remote and flipped it over to 48 hours or 60 minutes. The show was about a woman who ran off with her daughter because she believed her ex husband was molesting her. They were interviewing both parents and showing the child being interviewed. I finally had to just say I can not watch this anymore please change it. It made me physically sick, was in the middle of an anxiety attack before I even realized it. The anxiety has stuck with me for the past 4 hours. I finally took a clonipine. (I have a prescription to use them for anxiety attacks as needed).

In retrospect it bothered me for several reasons.
* What happened to me as a child, which I can not go into at this point in life.
* The 12 years of working as a paramedic, the rape victims, children and adults as well as the trauma and death I dealt with on a daily basis.
* The nearly 20 years as a nurse dealing with the aftermath of the trauma. * What I went through with my ex husband while we were in the custody battle. I still have very conflicting feelings about his relationship with my daughter. Part of me says well the police let it go and said he passed a lie detector test and basically said that I made it up because we were in the custody battle. It is rather hard to make up being called by a preschool teacher who was told by my 2 and a half year old daughter "my daddy hurts me there" while pointing at her vagina. She also said the same thing in front of me that day. The doctors report seemed to confirm there was likely a problem. She had a small laceration inside of her, chronic yeast infections, her anus reacted in a way that was indictitive of molestation. He was and still is very possessive of her. A part of me wanted to and still would rather believe that this is because she is his only child but she technically is not. He has another child that he has seen only once that he tried to say was not his from a prior relationship that he pays support for because the court came after him. I still question what changed the police womans mind. She was ready to pursue him after speaking with me and my daughter. But once she found out that I was involved in a relationship with a woman her whole attitude changed. She never even interviewed the teacher at the school. She started defending him before she even talked to him. Then wound up making several personal visits to his home. My daughter called her his girlfriend for several months after all of it was dropped. In the South being gay is not a safe thing. There is a lot of prejudice and misconceptions. In fact my stating this may change several people who read this posts opinion of me. I really struggled with putting that in here but since it is relevant to the whole situation to leave it out would not have been right.

The fact that I did report to a teacher what my father was doing and nothing was done about it combined with the report to the police about my daughter and nothing being done about it is rather overwhelming. I carry a lot of guilt that I allowed him to take her knowing what I know. But at the time I let him take her, I was less than a year sober, was trying to recover from a serious accident (went over a cliff on a motorcycle), was in a wheelchair with a metal rod in my right thigh, muscle and tendon damage to my left leg, a fractured left wrist, a fractured right shoulder, a deep gash healing to my right shoulder. I literally almost lost both my right leg and right arm in the wreck. A tree limb was impaled in my right shoulder and my right thigh was shattered in several places. It is still 1 inch shorter than my left. I just wanted to get along, to do what was right, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. So I let him move over 2500 miles away with the promise he would send her for summer visits and split holidays. Needless to say the promises went out the window he will not let her fly. I have been able to fly out and see her once in the past nearly 7 years. I don't even know her at this point, she is now 12. He has tried to cut me out of her life, he tried to cut off contact from my older children with her. He has cut my parents out of her life and they live less than 30 minutes away.

I am hoping that this new psychologist will be better equiped to help with the PTSD as it has truly become disabling and overwhelming. Thanks for letting me post. I needed to write it out tonight in an attempt to let it go and get rid of some of the anxiety and stress I have been dealing with tonight. I do feel somewhat better but am hesitating about actually posting this. It has a lot of very personal and emotional information in it. I hope I am not making a mistake posting it but some feedback would be a helpful. So here goes.