[shutterbug]

well, you've just described how i've felt lately too!!
here i've been doing ECT treatments to try to keep myself from sinking into my 3rd major depressive episode and yet i don't ever remember being this suicidal. everything seems too hard. my sister said she'd be at my house at 4:30 p.m. to pick me up yesterday for me to stay the weekend with her and by 4:40 p.m. i was in total panic mode and shaking from head-to-toe when she hadn't arrived yet....i was thinking of ending it and how i'd do it b/c i knew i couldn't make it through the weekend without a car, money, phone, computer, television, friends, or much of anything else.

and then she pulled around the corner about 2 minutes later.
i wanted to grab her, hug her and kiss her feet.
all i could do was cry and shake and tell her "bless you for showing up"

the only suggestions i have are this:
1. journal, journal and journal some more (it will keep u busy when the kids arn't and helps release emotions....really...it's sometimes better than one-on-one therapy)
2. try to think of anything you might enjoy doing that could keep you occupied: reading, knitting, organizing something, charting family heritage, family photo album....anything.
3. keep an eye on yourself and go to the ER if you get in crisis mode. I promise...hubby will find a way to come home and help with kids if he realizes you are having the kind of thoughts that he could lose you forever to.
4. Remember that nothing ever stays the same...that's a promise.
5. Stop beating yourself up! Think about it...the things you tell yourself ....you know...all those negative things like "I am such a **** mum." Would you ever say that to a friend? Co-worker? Is there anyone you care about who you could look in the eyes and say that to and in the horrific tone you say it to yourself also????? NO WAY!!!!!! Just for today....try treating yourself like a co-worker. Then tomorrow....try treating yourself like a friend all day. Then the next day....treat yourself like your best friend all day. Then like your sister the next day, then mom, grandmom....you get the idea. DO THIS FOR 7 DAYS. Write who you are that day on the back of your hand...so it can serve as a constant reminder to ONLY talk to yourself how you would talk to that person....for the entire day.

I PROMISE it will make you feel better!!!
In fact, I'm going to do it myself starting today!!

hugs,
jenna