[hippyhippy]

Oh gawd I am sinking. Like a dead bloody weight. I hate this tim e of year at the best of times but I feel so hemmed in by the depression that I can't move. I am sat here at this pc as the alternative is to try and interact with my kids but I just can't do it. Just seeing them reminds me of how inadequate I feel and how I cannot get through another day feeling as I do. The whole anxiety of living, surviving is getting to me big style and I see no end. The day stretches endlessly ahead until I can get to my bed again. I have no supports. All my supports are on holiday or ill. I see no one til the 3rd. Even my car which is my saviour as it gets me out of this box and takes me away for a while is broken.

I can't see how to get through today, tomorrow etc but I know I have to. I take my medications but to what end? I still feel like hell. I don't see the point in that. I can't function properly, I can't even think of the most basic tasks of living such as eating and heck I have just remembered I haven't given my eldest her breakfast yet.

How do I do it? How do I get through each day until bedtime and still manage to care for my children too? I have just replied on another forum to someone with children and I am a bloody hyppocrite as I am so close to the edge. But what to do at the edge? I can't leave them untended but someone else would be so much better than me at looking after them.

I have a husband but he is away working and I can't get him to come home. He has already taken time off cos of me and my illness. When he does get home, he won't be much help. He is good with the kids, I mean it won't help to lift this horrid horrid sinking.

How do I keep sight? How do I stop myself from feeling so bad that I want to take all my meds at once? I don't even have that option any more as I am on 'safe' meds and the only other way I have thought of that I want to go I need my bloody car for.

I am such a **** mum. I haven't even managed to enjoy Christmas. How selfish is that? Why is it so hard to see a way out of even just today never mind the depression? When do we reach the end of our tether? I love them so so so much but just feel so inept

Hippy