[frankly]

Hi all, I'm kinda new here, post mostly on F&F.

I'm fighting a major depressive episode. I am BP, and PTSD. I have severe problems with meds. Some major medical problems, and was told I could never ever take any of the meds out there. For years now, I've recognized my episodes and delt with them through therapy, exercise, nutrition and gratitude. I pray a lot, and find comfort in that. I stopped my therapy when I moved to Tenn. over a year ago. I can not bring myself to find someone new. I just can't bring myself to start over, relive everything to bring someone up to date on me, just to wonder if things will change again and have to start all over again. I just can't do it any more.

My depression is getting really bad, and it gets harder every day to try to live in the positive. I feel like I'm drowning. I know it will pass, I'll switch to a manic stage which I really prefer. I can handle the anxiety so much better than the depression. At least in the manic stage, I get so much done, I feel like I'm worth something when I get things accomplished.

I know I'm withdrawing into myself again. That's one reason that I'm posting here, usually if I tell someone that it is happening, then I actually accept that it is and can pull myself up out of it. Just typing the words, validates it to me, helps me see the problem better somehow.

My mind knows that I'm a good person, that I'm loved, but my heart weeps and I feel so alone inside. Usually I can snap myself out of it by visiting peaceful beautiful places and count my blessings, lately though even that is making me sad. I'm withdrawing from everything and everyone again, and I don't want to be in that place, but something inside of me wants to hide there.

Thanks for listening to my rants.

B