[SaTiT]

my sponsor told this is not an action step.
it's a recognition step..but a very powerful step..
Denial is cunning, baffling, and power becuase the human
mind is cunning, baffling and powerful.

He simply ask me to make a desperation list. Yes with the drugs
use of course..but he said everything, all of the jammed i got myself
into..into the piont of desperations...unmanageabilities.
Kind of wierd at first of course..becuase i thought it was
just about not using.

He use to say...."and then" to me all the time.

I was getting an impression..he was saying to me.
"Okay you addmited..so freaknen what....what the hell are you
going to do about it ??"

But he also kept me on this step for a while.. Maybe becuase
I was still in funk in my first 6 months of recovery and was
going to complicate everything.

Plus he was trying to teach me sometime.
I think is was somewhere along the line of ..no more instant gradifications.
and i wasn't going to us the 12 steps as just that..another one of my fox hole prayers BS.
Always saying "you have to build a foundation"...easy dose it.

Totally backwards of how i wanted to do things..becuase by the time
i got to him..I relasped a couple of times already..and was gong ho about
wanting to get the 12steps over with.lol
He told me I could work on the steps if I wanted without him..but if i choose
him as a sponsor..that's how it was going to be done...becuase that's how his
sponsor taught him.

This sentence...
" we did not have to think twice, many of us knew already we 're
addicts"

Kind of makesence to me what my sponsor was trying to get me
to understand/absorb/comprehend...."and then".lol

I think the desperation list I had to make and carry it in my
wallet was getting me into preventive mode.