(((Nuf)))
You are not a failure.
Children do what they will do.
It was a very humbling experience for me when my son became a heroin addict. Oh, I can honestly say, I used to believe that the "apple didn't fall far from the tree." And when a parent came into school, we -- *I* --often saw evidence of why the kiddie acted as they did!
Today, I'm ashamed of those thoughts and beliefs.
We parents do what we can. We set the rules; we guide with values and boundaries; counsequences and plenty of love.
In the end, the child still will do what the child will do.
In the end, they still make choices over which we have no control.
We made mistakes when we raised our kids, of course. Every parent does. That's not enouugh reason for our kids to go off and become addicts. I never showed my son how to shoot up. I never modeled stealing for him. I never made a norm of deviant behavior for him. No, mistake I made I own. And I've made my amends. Now, I've moved on.
I don't believe in fate. I believe we make choices in life. And those choices have consequences -- some good, some bad, some neutral. And sometimes, shyte does happen. But, it's not the universe out to get us. It just is. Move on. Life happens. Don't try to examine and explain it; you can't. Accept it and move on.
You are not worthless!
You are a child of G*D! Never forget that you are a precious child of G*D!
Just as each of your children are.
Nuf, we don't know why things happen as they do, Nuf. We only know what is in front of us and we trust that it's part of a bigger plan. Allow your faith to let you let G*D and let go. We can't change it, remember? And we didn't cause it. We can't cure it. But, we CAN learn to cope with it! With the 12 step fellowship program. Have you been to a meeting lately?
I'm sorry you are suffering so. Have you spoken to your doctor? Are you taking care of yourself physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? These things are important to us when we struggle.
For me, it can make the difference between mental health and mental illness. I must take care of myself or I slip into the darkness of depression and anxiety. And it's a constant issue for me to take care of.
I hope you take care of youself. And know that you are not alone. There is hope, Nuf. You are a worthy child of G*D and it's not your fault.
So, what are you going to do for yourself today?
Shalom!