[Alive]

This is the explanation for my previous threads.. This explains why i lost it all this week...


I am so ashamed, and i don't know how to fix it...

Have you ever experienced that feeling of not being able to control your anxiety and you do everything you said you wouldn't do?

For me what usually happens is i call the wrong people and it always ends in a fight.


Last time i took a cab at 2 am to another city, i payed 60 bucks, got there. I had taken 45 valdisperts to sleep before that...Huge fight. And it wasn't completely my fault. I felt i had no control over my actions. Sleeping pills do not make me sleep anymore because i abused them in the past.
I spent more 40 dollars back,in the morning, cuz i couldn't wait for the bus because of the state i was in. The money for the meds was gone just like that. And i had to ask for an emergency transference..Days after i bought 160 dollar opera tickets to fix the situation and i ended up making it worse..The money for the meds was gone again...Once again i got the transference. I owe more than 600 dollars to my mom and that was all in a month... She says i don't have to pay, but i will pay. I think i can pay her with the christmas money.

I'm such a well behaved person and lately i do worse and worse. People who know me are scared that my eyes don't look the same. I am so sorry.

It's almost like depression rules you... I am so ashamed. I don't drink usually and yet it feels like i was drunk.I felt like i had taken ecstasy.
How do you apologize to someone saying you have depression?... i did and yet people don't understand it wasn't me...



This has happened some times. I hadn't told anyone but some friends yet. More than one week ago, i was in a spiritual retreat alone in a hotel with no guests but me, for 3 days and i didn't do anything for most of the day. The last day at midnight i went running for a mile, under heavy rain, to an atm, and when i came back, my anxiety had not stopped. It ended in another fight on the phone..

I am so ashamed. The person i was with couldn't take it anymore. I am really ashamed. I feel like the nut case. I know i am a good person, and yet why did i do this...And no matter how i try i can't fix it. It just makes me wanna cry so bad...

I don't know what this is...I know i have depression, but what is all this anxiety?


What do i tell this person so that he can understand why did i do all those crazy actions? I don't have an explanation myself. It feels like i don't control myself.

I am so ashamed and usually i am proud of my actions...