Thankyou everyone for you're post's on this.
I couldn't believe for a long time that my A didn't love me when he was actively using. Until he told me that he didn't love himslef and so couldn't love anyone else.. that's when it sunk in.
I get it now.
And if he goes back to using, which I'm terrified might be happening as I write :0( , I'll try to step away.
I still get scared that he will get himself into a situation that will kill him. My best friend is burying her 21yr old brother today from an OD. But I'm getting closer to accepting, not without a bucket of tears, that there's not really anything I can do about it. Ultimately it's his decision.
In you're situation, I'm so angry that he's blaming you! You are certainly not to blame!
I hope you find the answers you need here.