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mushroom · 11-24-2007, 07:43 PM

Classic dysfunctional alcoholic family, Jaime. I'm sorry you have to live with that.

Your college probably has its own chapters of AA and AlAnon on campus, as well as mental health counselors (not just the career counselors and what class do I take counselors). Take advantage of all that! and look for an ACOA meeting too, it's a different take on Al Anon issues specific to people who were raised by parents disabled by alcoholism or similar dysfunctions.

Get off the pedestal. You're going to fall, it's only a matter of time, and it's going to hurt. No one should be on a pedestal. Your mom is playing Divide and Conquer with you three. Don't play. You do have a right to be mad at her, even if she's currently being nice to you. She wasn't before, and she wont' always be in the future. People do change but ... not that much that quickly. She caused a lot of pain and damage when you were little and that's not going to go away just because now she's trying to be nice. Here's something I've learned over the years - alcoholics can't keep it up. They can pretend to be sober, and normal, and considerate, and responsible, and nice and all that, but they can't keep it up. It's just a character they're playing. No one can stay 'in character' forever. My alcoholic ex husband was a drama major in college - go figure! boy could he play a character. He played a responsible business man and husband for a few years but that's as long as he could keep it up. Then the real him came out - the alcoholic. It's inevitable until they get into recovery, and you can't help there.

Here's two steps to growing up that you should look at doing. One, is to both physically and emotionally separate from your parents. That means you don't need to talk to her every day. Sure you wanted it all your life, and you needed it when you were a little child, but you're trying to be an adult now. Adults stand on their own two feet, they don't lean on their parents. Emotionally too, not just physically and financially.

The other is to see your parents as the flawed imperfect human beings that they are. We all are, and parents are no different. You can now move beyond their limitations and imperfections.

Take full advantage of all the counseling your campus has to offer or can refer you to. Have no fear of going to an Al Anon meeting - just go and listen, and go to a few meetings, and see if you want to go back. You don't have to speak if you don't want to and usually first timers don't. No one's going to criticize you or put you on the spot! everyone there was once a fearful first timer.

Actually, I'm looking at moving cross state in a couple months, and I plan on using Al Anon as soon as I land in a new town to meet people and make connections. I'm terrible at making friends, and it's a lot harder for adults than it is for college students, but Al Anon means instant connections.

11-24-2007, 07:43 PM	#3 (permalink)
mushroom Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: WA Rainforest Posts: 208	Classic dysfunctional alcoholic family, Jaime. I'm sorry you have to live with that. Your college probably has its own chapters of AA and AlAnon on campus, as well as mental health counselors (not just the career counselors and what class do I take counselors). Take advantage of all that! and look for an ACOA meeting too, it's a different take on Al Anon issues specific to people who were raised by parents disabled by alcoholism or similar dysfunctions. Get off the pedestal. You're going to fall, it's only a matter of time, and it's going to hurt. No one should be on a pedestal. Your mom is playing Divide and Conquer with you three. Don't play. You do have a right to be mad at her, even if she's currently being nice to you. She wasn't before, and she wont' always be in the future. People do change but ... not that much that quickly. She caused a lot of pain and damage when you were little and that's not going to go away just because now she's trying to be nice. Here's something I've learned over the years - alcoholics can't keep it up. They can pretend to be sober, and normal, and considerate, and responsible, and nice and all that, but they can't keep it up. It's just a character they're playing. No one can stay 'in character' forever. My alcoholic ex husband was a drama major in college - go figure! boy could he play a character. He played a responsible business man and husband for a few years but that's as long as he could keep it up. Then the real him came out - the alcoholic. It's inevitable until they get into recovery, and you can't help there. Here's two steps to growing up that you should look at doing. One, is to both physically and emotionally separate from your parents. That means you don't need to talk to her every day. Sure you wanted it all your life, and you needed it when you were a little child, but you're trying to be an adult now. Adults stand on their own two feet, they don't lean on their parents. Emotionally too, not just physically and financially. The other is to see your parents as the flawed imperfect human beings that they are. We all are, and parents are no different. You can now move beyond their limitations and imperfections. Take full advantage of all the counseling your campus has to offer or can refer you to. Have no fear of going to an Al Anon meeting - just go and listen, and go to a few meetings, and see if you want to go back. You don't have to speak if you don't want to and usually first timers don't. No one's going to criticize you or put you on the spot! everyone there was once a fearful first timer. Actually, I'm looking at moving cross state in a couple months, and I plan on using Al Anon as soon as I land in a new town to meet people and make connections. I'm terrible at making friends, and it's a lot harder for adults than it is for college students, but Al Anon means instant connections.