I've been home for about 4 or 5 days sick. Hence all the posting lately
I'm finally feeling better. I'm working hard on dealing with emotions and working through them and not just shoving them down and not feeling them. But sometimes I don't know what to do with them. i've been told for so long that what I felt and thought was wrong I always feel like I don't have the right perspective.
Today I went to the doc. I was hacking up a lung this morning and I wanted to get checked out before i went back to flying. I got a ride from my landlord. But when i called about getting picked up she asked if I could take the bus. But then she was like Well just wait there and I'll call you and let you know if I can come get you or you should take the bus. Ok the bus is really sketchy out here and after dark in the ghetto is even sketchier. And its a fair hike from the bus stop to my place. And its cold and I'm sick. But my phone was almost dead and my feelings were hurt so I just took the bus.
I give the landlord 20 extra dollars a month because she does drive me around and feed me often and I also bought a train pass because I think its ridiculous for her to play taxi for everyone but when i really did need a ride I was really upset I was stranded in not the greatest part of town. And then had to walk in the dark by myself home. Obviously I made it safely but I just don't know what to do with the anger now I guess. Part of me wants to just push it away. And part of me doesn't think i have a right to be angry cause she does do so much.
Then when i got in one of the roommates asked about pitching in $50 dollars each to buy the land lord an oven for Christmas. I don't usually do christmas gifts because i think the consumerism overshadows the holiday and i already spent my gift giving money on a gift for her daughters birthday(it hasn't arrived yet. . . bday is a few weeks away). She's special needs and I love her to bits and I wanted to get it for her for months. But I think an oven is a bit excessive. Now I'm worried that the roomy thinks I said no cause I didn't get a ride and I'm partially wondering if I did it out of anger but 50 is a lot of money in the slow season. I don't know. There is a loooong unorganized post for you. Feeelings EEEEEEkkkkk! To boot this whole mother in jail thing is taking its toll too. I'm exhausted :morning