[Digginit]

In the past, I knew there was a choice to use or not use. I chose "not use" for several years, but I knew that if I *did* use....well, I knew the way out. I had learned where meetings were, and I had a good network of friends that I knew were true.

Today, I still know there's a choice, but I've historically not been able to keep on making the right choice for any real length of time. Now, even choosing "not use" for today, I'm feeling kind of defeated. I don't see me making the right choice for any length of time. I'm 41 years old, and I've never gone all that long without giving in. Never before have I been up against a demon quite like this. I've had suicidal moments when I was depressed. I knew they'd be short-lived. I've overdosed before, a couple of times, impulsively. Never told anyone about it until I knew I'd live. But those overdoses have not been with an intent to harm myself, but just compulsive drug use....impulsive overdose.

I'm feeling a bit defeated because I'm quite confident that if I choose to use again, it's not gonna be a small, discrete moment. I'm gonna do it BIG. There's nothing in me that *wants* that, but it's where the impulse seems to be taking me lately. Maybe that'll wane, but I've never seen anything about this "wane."

Maybe this is where prayer comes in? Giving it to something bigger than me???? It's a bit of a predicament. Choice. That's what I'm doing...reminding myself that today I can choose. Gratitude list. I'm grateful that I have tools. I'm grateful that even when things seem monstrous, it comes down to something as simple as what choice I make for today, and trying like the devil to not think of tomorrow. Today the thought has been sitting there, eating at me....as if that weren't obvious...lol. But today, so far, I've not given in to these thoughts that are screwing with my head.

linz