[still_me]

I met with a counselor this past week. I have an appt. with the shrink next week but they said if I couldn't make it then I should consider the hospital. I am so ashamed that I don't want anyone in my family to know, so I can't go to the hospital. I can't even say I'm going on vacation for a week or anything. My family is so entertwined with each other that we all know where everyone is at all times. I don't care where they are but I do care for them to know I had to go to the hospital. So, I feel very trapped and hanging by that thread still. I have found that all my "friends" and family just make me so angry right now. I can't stand to be around them but at times can't stand to be at home. THere are only so many places I can go other than friends houses. But if I go there I literally feel like I hate them right now. I want to cry and scream and hurt myself and just tell everyone to take a flying leap yet at the same time if they don't call I get all mad at them cause they must not care.

I NEED to be in the hospital right now. I NEED to be there. I can't be though. I can't go through the family acting like I just need to stop feeling this way or for them to look at me like I'm crazy or they feel sorry for me. It makes me even angrier!

I have to try to hold on til the dr appt. and maybe she can change some meds or something to help me. I know what she will say though. I need to be in the hospital. Please don't tell me to go there cause I can't. I have to try to figure this out and hang til new meds work or something. I just don't know.