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Hi and welcome to Sober Recovery.
Since you asked for help, I am going to offer my humble opinion, for what it is worth. I am not a professional psychologist, but I have many years of personal experience around mental illness and addiction.
I read your post carefully and you are clearly an intelligent and capable young woman who is experiencing a lot of pain. Sometimes I think it is much harder for the smart, high functioning people who are suffering. Because they are smart, they fully realize all the implications of the cruelty and pain that this world offers.
There was something in your post that made me think about a young woman I know very well. She has borderline personality disorder - the cutting you decribed, and the chaos she lives in constantly, and fear of abandonment is very common with people who suffer from BPD.
I'm not suggesting that applies to you...but it might be worth your while to do a bit of research...
It sounds like your entire family dynamic is very toxic, and a smart, capable, sensitive young person being raised in that environment would for sure have suffered.
You have reached out for help before and you are still living in pain and confusion, and perhaps some anger and rage too (at the neglect and abandonment you continue to suffer from your parents?)
All I can say is, keep up the fight - keep reaching out for help - someway, somehow, someday, you will find what you need to give you the strength to heal.
Keep coming back and keep posting.
Love and hugs
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