well i have been doing a lot of thinking about my situation with R and have decided that i will just take it as it happens. first things first he live 1000 miles away from me so what ever happens it would be a long distance relationship anyway....not that that bothers me. but i do know that i love him, i always have and i always will. i know that i walked away 16 years ago and it broke me emotionally for a long time and i don't want to be too involved emotionally and something happen and me have to walk away again. the excitement of him telling me that i am the love of his life and that he still loves me has definitely worn off! now that isn't to say that i don't believe him because i do it's just that i am now remembering all the reasons that we split up in the first place. and granted his kids are no longer small and dependent on him but i also know that his wife will use them somehow someway to keep him in his marriage whether he wants a divorce or not. and that just frustrates me beyond belief!!
i know that it is wrong to love someone who "belongs" to someone else but if he doesn't want to be there.......................
in a way i wish that he would never have called me up and gotten in touch with me!! at least when we weren't in contact i just had my memories and my regrets and my pain but it was all mine and it was in the past. now it is all dredged up and "new" again. and that sucks!!!! god i sound whiny tonight.... :sorry i just really needed a safe place to vent and this seems to be it!! well i have to go....need to check on the kids, we are having a Halloween party tonight!