[shutterbug]

Again. Yes...different journey, same familiar road and dragging my heels all the way.

I know it's needed and I know it will help, but i hate that i'm back here again. Monday I start day treatment. 9-4 daily treatment, mon-fri. I will have one individual therapy session for the week, 1-2 pdoc visits and mostly group therapy. i went in for the evaluation yesterday and they wanted me to start right away. i told them there was no way b/c i have to tie up loose ends and mostly have to find freelancers who can and will do my job while i'm away.

I'm scared. I'm scared about leaving the job for a week like this and for this reason. I'm scared that a week will turn into weeks and possibly months. And hugely...i'm scared about the med change that has to happen.

My insurance will cover 100 hours of treatment...they say (but i think the weekly therapy hours i've been doing all year counts toward that and they haven't realized yet...so who knows really).

The good news? HR manager asked if i had a moment to come talk with her....and bless her heart she just couldn't hardly bare to see me in tears and she felt bad for not knowing anything about bipolar disorder. I think i scared her with the severity of the depression she was witnessing as i'm normally such an upbeat person. Best of all, she asked if i had any questions...told me i have short-term and long-term leave available and all that and told me not to worry about the job...just get better.

I was mostly crying from that last part. As those of you who know my background will understand how totally opposite that is from the last time i went through this at my old job.

So...i won't get fired and they don't hate me for trying to fix me before things get worse. Boss still doesn't understand tho and keeps overwhelming me with busy work and unneccessities (because he wants there to always be a plan B and C as far as photos go for the next day in case stories fall through).

i cried off and on all day yesterday (but i had been doing that last week too), but through tears i was still joking and cutting up at times. I worried that they would think me a fraud. Only when i got in my car to go home last night....did it finally dawn on me that i had been rapid cycling all day from the weight of the stress from all this.

I haven't rapid cycled like that in years. It continues to amaze me how powerful stress is at affecting us so greatly. Today, boss was in a good mood and at my desk joking. i told him he's likely to notice me flipping back and forth alot over the next few days. He said, "no i won't. i never notice you" (That's typically boss being awnry as he says it with a sly grin and glint in his eyes....and then starts chuckling when i gasp from realizing what he's just said. We all have this same kind of humor). But then he said...."Just don't come strolling in my office during the lows...wait until you go back up again." lol

I like that he, and i also, am able to joke about it. It tells me that he really doesn't care what lable i have or problems in life....just as long as they have the least affect on him as possible. Yeah....he's a good boss. A rare thing these days.

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For the moment....I'm breathing and today was actually a decent day on the grand scale, but reality is that i'm very, very frightened. I know that I am currently only about 1/2 as bad as my worst episode....at least that's how i see it b/c this time my body/functioning is not being quite so affected as before. The level of depression inside tho? Probably closer to a level of 75%, with 100% being my worst times from the past.

Now....that is why i'm so scared. Physcially, i'm able to stay awake and move with ease, but the depresion level is severe. I know this makes me much more of a danger to myself than before. Before....last time i was near comatose so anything other than sleeping was way too hard.

hugs,
jenna