| suicidal...but not really?????
Help me please, those of you who know me know I am BP, but struggling to understand it.
I have these thoughts of suicide. I plan it etc etc but have never really done anything that bad. A minor od and a wade in the resevoir at night.
However, I get obsessed with the idea. Today I drove up to the resevoir (my place) and I made up a 'suicide bottle' I took all of my meds that I have been prescribed and am not any more and popped them all out of their blister packs into an old vitamin pill bottle. There are hundreds of them but to be honest I don't know how strong my intentions of taking them were, when I got a text from a very good friend. It seemed she wasn't feeling too good either so I abandoned my ploy in the hope I could make her feel better
I do not know if I would have. I felt terribly upset at the time. yet now, I don't feel sad, I don't feel depressed but I wanted to take those pills. Don't ask me why....I just did. I have been obsessed with the idea for ages.Maybe I never would have but the thought was there and the thought of taking them out of their blister packs (blister packs seem too fussy for suicide) and putting them in a bottle to hide in my car has been there for ages, but today was the first time I have done it. it feels a step nearer. I am not scared by this, I am not worried. It just is. In fact, I feel triumphant that I now have them in the car 'ready' for whenever I choose....but I don't really want to die but I want to take those pills which would inevitably kill me.
If I carry on being all over the place with pills then what is the point?
What is happening to me? I can't phone shrink and say I feel suicidal, I don't, but I do........help me understand this please.
hippy
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