[shutterbug]

it's my never ending story...my only reason for being is the overwhelming desire to be loved and find it eventually. And yet....i never feel i have any in my life.

please...i don't want to hear "read the Bible" or that i need to find God. I am a Christian and this...this is something beyond what God or my religion/faith have ever helped me with. i don't know how to fight the emptiness i always feel inside no matter how close i try to get to God.

i just want to be loved. i just want to be held. i just want someone to give a damn outside of this site.

i'm not in Hell right now with this depressive episode, but i am definetly in the waiting room of Hell and my number is being called. i don't know how to fight it and i don't have the strength to.

today...my near-perfect boss got upset with me for calling in sick with my back, but mostly i was calling in sick with my head. i can't handle the world right now and i can't handle going through another fight to keep my job.

i honestly and truely do not know how i am going to survive this one.

Can someone please tell me what real good anything is for? I mean, my life....i seem to only be alive to solve problems in my life everyday and everyday i only get further behind and lonelier...and despite my efforts to heal a shattered self-esteem...it is turning to dust and being completely blown away.

what is it all for? why keep fighting and struggling JUST for more pain to come??