[Alive]

Ok.I am sick. There I said it. I lied to my doctor. She asked me three times
if I was suicidal. She probably knows about all my problems.
I sat there like a mercenary. I just wanted the pills. Like always I was honest when I spoke about what I felt, I just didn’t expand the conversation to the limits of how I feel. I didn't do it because i wanted to hide but because i wanted to have the power of choice on my hand.

I think she knows about everything. My brother has been with her for more than 4 years. She knows probably about my addiction, sexual issues and even knows that I do artistic works related to death.
But what hurt more?....


When she asked me if I was in love or had loved someone lately. She probably thought my depression was caused by a heartbreak or probably she wanted me to open up about my sexual issues. I stood there without moving, looked to the ground and laughed and said: "I can't love nobody, i am depressed"..LIE! that's now, that i am worse...

It hurt like hell. The face came to my mind. The smiling. I was in love last year. I was so depressed that once again I fell for somebody I looked up to. Someone who wasn't hurting, someone who hadn't flunk a year in college, someone whose parents had broken up peacefully, someone who didn't know what i was talking about emotionally..

That person became closer as we had a work project. In my mind I knew it would never happen, but without anyone knowing every night I dreamed of the possibility that I could be with that person. I would have leaved my home, leave my country, leave a job just to be able to kiss that person . That face was everywhere. The name repeated itself. When i walked into a room there was only one i was thinking of. I could've ruined it all. I could have ashamed myself. One day i had the phone on my hand and i was gonna text I love you..By God i stopped and i am glad..

That one showed to be a sleazy rat at work, go figure at love. ditched me on lab group after saying yes..

I could have kissed that face more than one hundred times a day and I would not have gotten tired. I did more than ten artistic pieces thanks to that love. Like always when I fall in love I go into an artistic rage. I am young, I know, but I’ve never had a serious relationship because all know I don’t love me.

I would like to ask you if you feel this way. When i imagined myself love that way, i imagined i was being done a favor..Isn't this wrong?:....

I’ve made an overwhelming effort to stop liking that person and till that day, 6 months after, when the doctor asked me, I thought it was just admiration, not love. No. I loved. I don’t know if its real love. Because I’ve never been loved. But it was a feeling that made me even more depressed.

Every time i walk by that one i close my mouth so i don't smile and i make my best to pretend i don't have any feelings but if there was a word i would have jumped to that neck..

I've been so stupid..people flirt and i actually think that i am going to die for them..I am sick...sick..sick..but there's no cure for this kind of stupidity..

I hate that I live in a lyrical world of dreams. One time a friend of mine, who was an opera singer and did exactly what i did with her life, told me i had to wake up.. That i lived like an artist and couldn't keep going that way...That i would end up dead.
I wish I was a cold person. But I can’t. Whether it’s friends or lovers I let them tear me down for their pleasure. But I love them with all I got, that I know.

Thanks for letting me share.uuuf


p.s..I am not mad i loved..at least i got to have that feeling for me, you know?...It's like i loved a little on my own..Even if it's really lonely here..