[Morning Glory]

Hi r0403,

Welcome to the forums.

It's hard to give an opinion without knowing you better, but my first impression is that you speak of yourself and others as objects. You sound disconnected from yourself and others. It seems that control is very important to you. You control yourself and control others and you're intelligent enough to do it very well. If you're in control you're safe. If you act first you're safe and this keeps you from being helpless and vulnerable. There was a time when you were young that you were helpless and vulnerable and you were unsafe and you won't let yourself be in that position again. You may even be projecting that helplessness onto others that you protect and projecting your anger over your past vulnerabilities onto those who are hurting them. My thoughts are that there is an undiscovered universe within you that you haven't explored yet and you're still disconnected from. It won't be easy, but finding a very intelligent counselor who can play the game better than you can might be helpful. You will be able to outsmart 99% of the counselors.

You're very young and sometimes we don't look inside until we are able to deal with it on an emotional level. Those emotions are a major hassle for sure, but it's better on the other side after you get through it. If you drink to self medicate and avoid the emotions the drinking may progress with age and you'll be in a worse place. If you can do nothing else now at least work on abstaining from alcohol.

Trauma does a number on us and children set up some complicated defense mechanisms. You may not be aware of just how complicated your defense mechanisms are. It's worth exploring.