[r0403]

Hi, my name is Rob and I'm 22 years old.

Over the past few years I've begun to realize there's something different about the way I think and 'feel'.

Before that, I always knew that I was intelligent. I scored in the 99th percentile on an official Mensa test, and my IQ is near 200 on a Mensa approved IQ test. I didn't join, I just wanted to see if I could. I learned well before puberty that I could 'play' with people like I could chess pieces. Through middle school and high school I was very well liked by my peers and teachers alike, although that really didn't mean a damn to me. I enjoyed manipulating people and pitting them against each other. The outcomes were entertaining, to an extent.

As I've grown older, that's bored me. I don't enjoy interacting with most people, since I feel the average person can't keep up with me. That's conceited, I know, but I'm being honest. I plan conversations like I would plan a game of chess - using that metaphor once again - where I am several steps ahead in a conversation, and only waiting for their response to choose my statement from a list I have prepared in my head. That's the only way I find an average conversation interesting.

Throughout high school, I hurt people. I put more than one person into the hospital, although I was never arrested or even questioned. On this note, I was raised in a Christian household, taught right and wrong, and to believe in a God. I believe now this is the only reason I am not in prison. Back to the point, I never hurt anybody unjustly - at least in my eyes, which I now understand may be warped. I was in a very rough high school, where many people carried a knife or weapon of some sort. Every time I hurt somebody, I only did for a reason. They were hurting somebody else who was helpless. In every case it was a male (or more than one male) hurting a female. At the same time, I have deeply despised women for as long as I can remember, but I've never physically harmed one in the least. This comes back to the whole religion area because I was taught never to hurt people, and I came to a compromise in my head where I would only hurt people who deserved it.

I am a good looking guy, and I know how to use words to attract a woman. I have never failed to get somebody that I wanted, regardless of their situation - be they involved with somebody else, engaged, married, far older, or otherwise. I have convinced a twenty seven year old woman to divorce her husband and not fight for custody of her children because I didn't want them around. I was nineteen years old at the time, and I left her shortly after, because I was bored with her. I understand these actions would disgust the average person, but on a personal level I am proud of this achievement.

I've been able to convince almost every woman I've been with to do anything that I wanted. That was the most entertaining part, getting them to change their restrictions and morals while often believing it was their own idea, not the sex itself... although the sex did hold some value for a time.

However, this is no longer appealing, as I've grown bored with sex. I don't see a purpose for it, and there's nothing fun about it. So, I don't pursue anybody. I'm perfectly happy to not be involved with another person if it doesn't serve me a purpose.

In my first serious relationship, I learned how to emulate things like love. I am able to cry on demand when I feel it's necessary. I'm able to convince somebody of almost anything I want.

I realized recently that this isn't normal. I thought that everybody was this way, simply putting on a mask when going out into the world. I just thought that I was better at the game than the average person.

What brought this realization forth was the fact that a year ago, I remembered being sexually abused by my paternal grandparents, both of them. I spoke with my sister, and she remembered it as well. Since then my dreams have become increasingly violent, and I have urges that are incredibly hard to restrain. My grandmother killed herself several years ago, and my grandfather travels the world and has had little to no contact with me since I was about seven.

I began to really examine all the emotions I've had. I have never felt sad about being abused, only incredibly angry. I am able to hide it, but I can feel it. In fact, this is the only feeling I really understood besides 'numb' - there have just been different levels of it. When I've lost people in a relationship, or even had deaths in the family, I have cried - because of anger. I feel like I've lost a prized possession, and I am angry that it's been taken away.

This has led to drinking. When under the influence of alcohol is the only time I feel different, what I'm guessing is sad. Sad is like anger, without a seething hatred behind it. It feels better than anger, and it feels better than feeling nothing at all. I will drink on average three to five times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. I also drink alone, since I do not want my guard to be down when I'm with anybody else. This is an entirely different problem, that I realize I'll need to approach in time. I'm only mentioning it because it gives me the capacity to feel something besides anger and numb. Although, maybe it's just a very muted anger. I'm not sure.

Physical pain is an interesting feeling, although I have no desire to mutilate my body. It doesn't make sense to do so.

I lie a lot. I lie to my family, my 'friends', girlfriends in the past, almost anybody I've met. Usually as a means to an end, but sometimes I just lie for no reason.

I don't believe I'm a sociopath, because I've never hurt animals (nor do I desire to) and I don't have uncontrollable urges to hurt or kill people who do not deserve it. And no, I don't have the urge to 'go forth and kill sinners', I'm not some kind of religious psycho. I don't think God speaks to me, nor do I hear voices. I believe it's right to hurt somebody who's attacked somebody who's helpless. And I won't do it unless I know for a fact it's true - I'm well versed in technology and have trained myself to an extent in espionage to find out what I need to know. Maybe it's because 'morals' were so ingrained into me as a child, some of it is retained. At least the 'really heavy' stuff. I just don't know.

So, something is different about the way my brain works. I know this isn't normal. I am curious though - was it trained into me through trauma, or was I born this way? I don't really know if I want to get 'fixed'. I like the way I am for the most part, and from what I've seen, most emotions are just a waste of time and a major hassle.

Any opinions?