[GoldenGutters]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone
> > through the pet syndrome
> > including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
> > the story below will have
> > you laughing out LOUD!
> >
> > Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
> >
> > Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night,
> > my son came up to tell
> > me there was "something wrong" with one of the two
> > lizards he h olds p risoner
> > in his room.
> >
> > "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
> > "I'm serious dad, can you
> > help?"
> >
> > I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and
> > followed him into his
> > bedroom.
> >
> > One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his
> > back, looking stressed. I
> > immediately knew what to do.
> >
> > "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
> >
> > "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
> > "She's having babies."
> >
> > "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert
> > and Ernie, Mom!"
> >
> > I was equally outraged.
> >
> > "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
> > want them to reproduce,"
> > I accused my wife.
> >
> > "Well , what do you want me to do, post a sign in
> > their cage?" she inquired.
> > (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
> >
> > "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
> > reminded her, (in my most
> > loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
> > together).
> >
> > "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
> >
> > "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
> > you know," she
> > informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
> >
> > By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
> > what was going on. I
> > shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
> >
> > "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience", I
> > announced. "We're about
> > to witness the miracle of birth."
> >
> > "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
> >
> > "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to
> > do with a litter of tiny
> > little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I
> > really do think she was
> > being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
> >
> > We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
> > what looked like a tiny
> > foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
> > later.
> >
> > "We don't appear to be making much progress," I
> > noted.
> >
> > "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
> >
> > "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
> >
> > "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed
> > the foot when it next
> > appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared.
> >
> > I tried several more times with the same results.
> >
> > "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to
> > know. "Maybe they could
> > talk us through the trauma."
> >
> > (You see a pattern here with the females in my
> > house?)
> >
> > "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
> >
> > We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in
> > his lap. "Breathe,
> > Ernie, breathe," he urged.
> >
> > "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted
> > to him. (Women can be
> > so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does
> > to me is one thing,
> > but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
> >
> > The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
> > peered a t the little
> > animal through a magnifying glass.
> >
> > "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
> > scientifically.
> >
> > "Oh, very interesting," he murm ured. "Mr. and Mrs.
> > Cameron, may I speak to
> > you privately for a moment?"
> >
> > I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
> >
> > "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
> >
> > "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is
> > not in labor. In fact,
> > that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.
> > You see, Ernie is a
> > young male. And occasionally, as they come into
> > maturity, like most male
> > species, they um.... um....masturbate. Just the way
> > he did, lying on his
> > back."
> >
> > He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know
> > what I'm saying, Mr.
> > Cameron."
> >
> > We were silent, absorbing this.
> >
> > "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife
> > offered.
> >
> > "Exactl y," th e vet replied, relieved that we
> > understood.
> >
> > More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to
> > giggle. And giggle. And
> > then even laugh loudly.
> >
> > "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
> > believing that the woman I
> > married would commit the upcoming affront to my
> > flawless manliness.
> >
> > Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's
> > just...that...I'm
> > picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
> > little..." she gasped for more
> > air to bellow in laughter once more.
> >
> > "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and
> > hurriedly bundled the
> > lizards and our son back into the car.
> >
> > He was glad everything was going to be okay.
> >
> > "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you 've
> > done, Dad," he told me.
> >
> > "Oh, you have NO idea," I closed mouth, My wife
> > agreed, collapsing with
> > laughter.
> >
> > 2 - Lizards - $140...
> >
> > 1 - Cage - $50...
> >
> > Trip to the Vet - $30...
> >
> > Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
> > winkie...Priceless
> >
> >
> > Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards
> > lay eggs!