[kglast]

Last week, I had to put my kitty, Fagen, to sleep - she was getting old and suffering from kidney failure, severe dehydration... I held her while she died...It was very sad...I actually called XAF when I left the vet, I just wanted to hear his voice and since it was during work hours, I had a chance to speak to sober him...his phone went right to voice mail, I left a message and have not heard a word from him....why am I suprised...and devasated..

I was so depressed Saturday, cried and cried all night....got it all out and felt better Sunday...

I am off from work today and don't really have any motivation to do anything other than be here...

I think about the upcoming weekend - my son will be with his dad (NOT my XAF) and I just don't want to be alone all weekend.

I go out with my friends and do things that make me happy - and I DO have fun...but when I come home, I am ALONE....

I so miss my sober XAF....I just want to curl up with him - but I know I can't, that person is not inhabiting his body anymore...

I find myself wanting to call up another X to come for the weekend just so I can have some affection and companionship but I know that is not the right thing to do.

I totally get the taking care of ourselves thing and am getting quite good at it, BUT, we cannot give ourselves PHYSICAL affection - OK, maybe we can, to a degree but it is NOT the same....

I just want to be snuggled and held and loved by ANOTHER human being...preferably my sober XAF...only problem is, he is NOT sober and he is currently shacking up with a 55 yr old woman!!! GRRR!!!

How do I get past this??? Has anyone else ever felt this way?