Well, I've got to say, I'm really at a crossroads, here.
I have to decide whether to go back on an anti-depressant or not.
I'm dealing with a LOT of stuff right now.
Work, son, mom, siblings, neighbor, house.
Work -- was laid off; got called back, but, have a job but no position. That means, I'll be a long term sub, going place to place with no where to call home. Sucks.
Son -- Trevor and I have issues with each other. He's bipolar, and not on appropriate meds. (See thread I have). We are trying but, it can be difficult. We are supposed to see my counselor together to work on issues. I look forward to it.
Mom -- elderly, frail, not doing well and honestly, I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I'm the only one of 7 who didn't get an inheritance. SHe asked my sibling to take a loan when she's gone to give me my "share." Says she, "ran out of time." Has to do with medicade/medicare issues and the need to get rid of assets 7 years prior to the need for government assistance in old age.
Siblings -- 3 of my sibs inherited the family cabin in Maine my mom and dad built. They are refusing to allow Trevor to go. I've written them out of my life, after I tried to address their fears and they still won't budge. Even if I go with Trevor, they still say "no" cuz, he might drive 6 hours to use it as a hide away if he goes back to using!
I have MUCH anger here.
Neighbor -- still dealing with the wh*re who lives behind me. She took in my former tenent - the one who ripped me off $20,000! Now, because she's a drunk, she's acting out and trying to make me the bad guy in this senerio! :Hypnotized:
I have many police reports on their bad behavior towards me, and can get a restraining order. But, to do so will jepordize her career -- she's a psychiatrist! And I feel like that will only escalate things more. I don't want to deal with it. I will if I have to but, I don't want to deal with her bs, know what I mean? (I informed a neighbor whom I know will let her know what I will do if she continues. I hope that's enough.) Anyway, much anger here too.
Related to neighbor is the potential selling of my house. I had it for sale, but, the folks didn't make my price, even after negotiations. I love my house, but, it's too big for me. I can't take care of everything it needs. And I've not found another place to go, considering what I will be giving up - unless I move south where it's cheaper. I have to work another two years in RI, though. And I"m concerned, giving the politics of school now. Without my salary, I can't keep the house. ANd I really can't depend upon Trevor.
So, with all these issues, I'm having some difficulties. Most of the time, if I stay busy with puttering around the house, (Margo, if you see this, thanks!
); playing in the gardens; going to the gym; going for a swim in the cove; dealing with my mom; son; going to counseling and career counseling and seeing friends for a cup of coffee or a drink, I"m fine.
But, if I have down time, I begin to feel the pain. I'm not trying to squash it. I allowed myself time to really feel the pain my siblings and mom caused. But, I cannot stew in it. It's time to accept and move on. It's when there's the down time, that it comes to the fore. There's tears involved, and anger. I can't deny it. And I'm not sleeping well, which is always a sign for me that the stress is getting on me; building up.
The problem comes with this. I used to be on celexa, and it left me fogettful. Then, I was on welbutrin. Forgettful and anxious - got panic attacks. I don't want either of them; I cannot deal with that type of forgettfullness when I go back to work in September. Especially since I'm going to be taking classes to start a new career in two years. (I'll be taking early retirement from teaching; can't deal with the politics of school anymore - no child left behind and it's ilk.)
I do know that I deal with SAD - seasonal affective disorder - each year. When things are stable, I can deal with it by using all my tools - getting out in the sun as much as possible, meditation, exercise, eating right, etc... But, things will not be stable this year, due to the lack of a position. I'll be subbing from place to place, it looks like. After 20+ years in education, I'm a freakin sub again! ARGHHHHHH!!!!!
So, is there any wisdom out there to share with me? I appreciate your thoughts...
I've heard a lot about Lexapro. I know it's used as a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant. It's a "cousin" of celexa, with changes in the chemical structure.
Or any other thoughts?
Of course, I'll talk with my doc and counselor, but, I don't have a pdoc. My regular doc will give me what my counselor and I agree on, (unless he knows of a particular reason why not.) But, as great as he is, (I love him!), he's not a pdoc.
On the other hand, I have good reason not to run to a pdoc again. They had me stoned out of my mind years ago, and wouldn't believe me when I told them! It was really bad, but, that's another story....
So, thoughts? :>)
Shalom!