[lostnfound1961]

We talk about mom and dads deaths a lot. He also talks about how much he worries about my sisters and I. He talks about how he would be lost without us. Yes in a lot of ways my brother is normal person messed up than retarded person who doesn't get it.

I spent a lot of time trying to proteect him in my life and I think I did not do him a lot of good by doing that. I used to get so mad at my oldest sister and my dad because they could almost try to hide him out of shame and so I would try to let him be as free as he could be with others because that is his right as a person but...... I have also said, Oh that wont work, he can't do that.... After mom dies he amazed me at what he could do. He much more of a man than I ever thought he could be.

I told my sister (the one who helps me with him) that I am going to try to go with her insight because she is a mom and see's so much more than I do. She seems to have a better understanding of what his needs are and how they can be met without us being 24/7 with him.

It's funny, we grew up not talking much because we were all devided by our own pain and now..... she and I are so close. She told me they other day that she was afraid that once things with my brother were cool, I would back off and not be so close. I made sure she knew that would not happen. It's like I have this family now that I didn't have before.

My sister and I agreed when my mom died that my brother came first and we needed to work together for him. No matter how much we may disagree or get mad or what ever else happened we MUST work together for my brother. I agreed and at first she and I were afraid of each others reactions to speeking out and being open with our feelings. She was more scared than me. (that saprised me) I thought I was the only messed up one because she had a husband and kids and what looked like the perfectlife. She is a bigger mentel mess than me. She worried so badly that I would get angry at her for wanting to put him in a group home. I was real worried about doing it but she was so sure this would be a good thing. I told her she needed to be totaly honest with how she feels and even if I get mad not to worrie. Sounds funny but we grew up with a lot of anger and at least I felt that being angry ment you did not love someone. Well.... I felt they didn't love me. I think she felt the same. We have worked things out and you know what..... I hardly get angry with her and when I do, I don't act out in anger, I talk to her about how I feel and we move on.

My only wish is that my oldest sister would/could join us in this closeness but she is living in an alternet univers. The world of drunken fantacy of the world being just the way you say they are and not the way they are.
Anyway. Thanks for the response.