[ssindi]

I thought I had broken the cycle until now I stated abusing. I don't abuse alcohol, but I'm not saying I wouldn't. I don't like it because of what I went through with my mother. It was discusting, the memories of drunken, slurry mother, embarrassing. I know it is good to see humor in things, sometimes I just get down and with the paxil shifting now that may help my depression.

I truly think I am an addict and maybe a little obsessive/compulsive. I have abused many drugs, usually Rx's from doctors and overdosed several times. I just wanted to escape, feel something else besides what I was hurting from at the time. I used to be into self cutting too. Thankfully, I've stopped that but have some small scars. I guess now I see that I have been hurting for a long time and I don't know what the true answer to my addiction is. I crave my husbands approval and love but he is very controling and very mean sometimes. But sometimes I feel without him I will be nothing but sometimes he really hurts me bad. He is a paramedic/ff but will not begin to understand anything about addiction other than that it is embarrassing, oh and my epilepsy is embarrassing to him to. Enough of him.

I do think I'm an addict because of my past. My last psychiatrist said I may be borderline personality. What does this mean?

See what I was addicted to so long was an over the counter med and it was so stupid. I was taking 20-30 dayquil a day but had a hard time getting help because everyone , like rehabs said it wasn't in their books and it didn't have alcohol in it so they couldn't treat me. Finally I added fioricet and it really wacked me out, I was incoherent for a few days and arrested but they got me help and now I no longer take dayquil anymore. I am proud of this I took it for three whole years.

Any suggestions, Juls.

What I mean is I'm working on recovery to just take my normal Rx's, but there will still be that chance of relapse but I want to feel good and not be that kind of person anymore.