[igetallnumb]

Today I woke up at 10 ish ... mornings are always bad. I look in the mirror in my bathroom and just feel disgusted. I hate myself. I look at my face and see some ugly witch staring back at me. I took a shower and while I was in there I just kept looking at myself. More disgust....

I picked up a razor and I did it.... I couldnt help it.... sliced my thigh.... I felt a rush and then a sense of calm.... Afterwards when I realized what I did I cried because I felt weak. Then I did it again. Finally I felt some control. Both on my thighs... matching cuts about 4 inches long.

I got out of the shower after I cleaned up the wound and got dressed... when I put my pants on the sting of the cut rubbing against the fabric felt good... a reminder I have control today. I ate whatever food I could make and sat down. At first I felt bad for doing it. But then I felt like I was quitting too much crap at once. I need something to keep me from leaping off a bridge. It was either this or use. So I choose to SI.

Sitting there I started shaking ... my mind wanted me to cut some more... my hands started to shake... I wanted that blade so bad I would sell my soul to hold it. It had been so long since I felt this release... to make my outer body and my inner body match. I felt destroyed on the inside I want to look that way on the outside too. Feeling like a balloon ready to pop I got up headed for the bathroom again. By that time the sound of my mother screaming and the chaos that is everyday living in this pit was enough to just SI all ****ing day.

I went it there and shut the door..... I slid down the tiled wall... and sat there. Blade in hand. I tried channeling something to make it stop but there was nothing to hold onto... I had to. Si I did .... bargaining to myself all I need is to do it once more then I will feel better... afterwards I walked out...and sat down again turning my laptop on...

Its 3:20 pm and im here... my day is not over...