[igetallnumb]

Hello everyone...

All I ever wanted was for people to understand me..

I saw shutter bug does this so I am taking a stab at it. Im Jennifer an addict and a self mutilator. I suffer from Borderline Personality, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder with Suicidal Ideation.

Today was a weird day . As usual. I sat home watching TV and listening to music. Everytime a certain song would play, I would think of him. I would cry, then shake, then my body just went cold and I knew I wanted to hurt something. When I think of him and how far apart he is from and after 3 years of trying to understand the distance it still hurts. I wanted to cut so bad. I took some breaths and thought about his voice. That sweet innocent voice telling me he loves me. I calmed down for a moment. While posting on here I felt a sense of overwhelming sadness. The feelings were coming back. And hit hard.

I got and paced for a second then deciding to tell people on SR how I was feeling. Waiting for a response I felt worse. I felt liek nothing, worthless, a horrible person just a complete failure.

I went to the bathroom and shut the door. I saw the blade almost mocking me. My muscles were twitching as I was fending to grab the blade and take control of my situation. But again, I thought of him. And stopped. I came back to my laptop and posted a little bit more , finally taking out my guitar and playing for hours also tried to eat dinner.

I came back on to see what was going here. I might go outside and smoke a cigarette or 2 I need out of this craphole I call a house. Im trying to call him but his phone doesnt have any reception. God I need him right now, its killing me. If I could only get high I wouldnt mind having to wait till his phone gets better to call him.

I can tell you this, my depression is back , I want to cut and Im fending for pills. I am in for rough days. I wont pretend Im ok anymore.

Im not okay .... trust me.

Jennifer