Quote:
Are you hoping to sit down with your mother and berate her for not doing This or That better/differently when you were small? (it doesn't sound like it but...)
What is your intention in clearing the air with her? What outcome are you hoping for?
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There was a time in my life when I wanted to do this with my parents. What I was hoping for was an apology. My therapist asked me, at the time, what would an apology get me that I am currently lacking? (In other words, we don't *want* something unless we have an unfulfilled *need* - he was trying to get me to identify that need).
I didn't really want an apology. What I wanted was some sign or indication that my parents loved me. I saw an apology as proof that they did love me, but that was not true - they could apologize all they wanted, and I would still have wondered.
Eventually, as I came to understand them better (they are not only alcoholics but also ACoAs themselves), I realized that to the extent that they could, in what manner they knew how, they did and still do love me. It displays in warped weird fashions, but it is all they know.
I wouldn't say that I absolved them of their treatment of me, but I would say that I have come to a place where I can accept that they did the best they could with the tools they had.
As for me, I'm working very hard (and have been for years now) on owning more tools. My old tools weren't doing what I needed them to.