[GiveLove]

Hippy,

I agree with Ginger. Stating that some WAS....that is just stating a fact. Being able to bring it out into the open, shine a bright non-judgemental light on it all, it's like bringing out all the sheets and blankets and pillows and rugs and clothes into the light and fresh air. You can see its flaws better....spots and fades and funny stains and all.....but it's out in the good, natural air and the sunlight and the timeless breeze washing it all clean. It is simply what happened to you, and though you may wish that much of it had never happened, it did, and you have survived to become a thoughtful, articulate, and still loving person.

You are not evil for wanting to bring out these demons and force them to stand in the light, in order to move to a better place mentally and spiritually.

Are you hoping to sit down with your mother and berate her for not doing This or That better/differently when you were small? (it doesn't sound like it but...)

What is your intention in clearing the air with her? What outcome are you hoping for?

If it's just to feel the relief of saying these historical facts (and how they shaped who you are) out loud to someone, have you considered talking to a counselor first, preferably one who deals with ACoAs? I found that INCREDIBLY helpful, more than I could ever explain. It gave me a forum to talk it through -- ALL the feelings, anger, guilt, love, everything -- and sort it out for myself. It didn't take long. I came to realize that it was the dam that was holding it all back -- MY INABILITY TO TALK ABOUT IT -- that was doing most of the damage, rather than the events themselves. Once the dam was broken, then life could flow.

Eventually, I did talk to my stepmother and tell her how things had been for me when I was younger. I did it in broad daylight, under kind circumstances, without accusation, blame, or anger. She responded with true and heartfelt regret, and then we were able to just go on with life. Is this what you too are hoping for? It can be done. But I never could've done it without having another sounding board first face-to-face, like a counselor.

Wishing you peace,
GiveLove