[GingerM]

I could write a book here, but time is limited, so I would offer this to you:

By stating facts, you are not being disloyal. You are simply saying what was or what is. It is the inverse to being disloyal, it is being loyal to yourself and your experiences, rather than keeping them bottled up or pretending it didn't happen. You must first be loyal (and forgiving) to yourself before you can be that way to others.

You were in a bad spot, you really had 4 parents - two who were very good, and two who were alcohol demons. It is much more common than you might think.

I loved my father fiercely, and I felt bad about things that happened. Both of those emotions can exist side by side. You can accept that they co-exist and sit with that. The feelings won't go away, although you may develop a better understanding of them, and eventually learn to accept your parents for what they were when they were drinking - this will help immensely with the feelings of guilt.

You didn't cause it, you couldn't control it, you couldn't cure it. It was what it was.

Practice those lines when you start feeling guilty. It may help or may not.

Unfortunately, I have to get going to work now. I hope you have a peaceful day.