[hippyhippy]

I am trying just now to work out how and why I feel like I do about my past and how it links to the present. Guilt is a major emotion I struggle with.

I had a lovely childhood in lots of ways believe it or not. When my parents weren’t drinking, they were fantastic. My dad was an artist, really creative, loving and funny. He however had mood swings and was treated for anxiety depression. I have spoken to my doc about him and she agrees that possibly he was misdiagnosed (and medicated) as I think his behaviour was very indicative of bi polar. We are/were very similar.

He was seriously the most wonderful dad you could wish for, until he went on a drinking binge. When drinking he was verbally abusive to my mum and brother (never really me) and at times physically abusive to my mum. I can remember some scary times.

My mum was the most wonderful mum you could wish for too. Loving, tender, always on my side, she did things with us, seriously, she was fantastic. She did however always join him in his binges. Then she was horrible! She would scream and curse and swear, threaten to leave, get us up in the middle of the night, take us to some other drinking friends houses (where sometimes I was exposed to some dodgy characters, who did...or try to do things to me, but to be fair, she didn't know this) tell us how terrible my dad was, tell me things that as a child I never should have known.

The thing is, my parents were very well respected in the neighbourhood. They had an air of a real classy couple. People treated them differently, with more respect than others. They commanded that kind of respect. We were living in a very poor neighbourhood but my parents and others thought they were square pegs in a round hole. Teachers thought they were fantastic (and as I have said, they were most of the time) but it made it difficult to say to someone “I am struggling with home life” as it would have brought shame on the family, but my brother always looked after me when they were drinking.

Then he died. I was left on my own with them. The drinking got worse, tenfold. I got the verbal abuse that my brother used to get. My mum said horrific horrific things to me, but she was drunk and grieving. In sobriety, she was my wonderful mother again. I lost my dad emotionally during this time. I blamed him for how crap I felt life was (my mum had always blamed him, so now I did too) and I spent several years hating him. Hate is such a destructive emotion and I hope not to hate anyone again.

Then after a few years, my dad came off all his meds, cold turkey. It was a horrific time but when off them, he was a different man! He still drank but not as often. He found ways to deal with his mood swings through his art and his garden. Life became a bit better and I began to get a bit closer to him again.

Then he got ill. Over the next five years I got closer to him than I had been since my childhood. I accompanied him to all his appointments. He stopped drinking, so did my mum. For those five years, and this sounds selfish, I had my parents back. But it wasn’t very fair, cos now that my dad was a happier person in many ways, he was dying. Except, we didn’t say he was dying, we said he was ‘living’ and he did, live. Enjoyed his art, his job, his garden, my first daughter and his new found relationship with me.

My mum and dad always loved me fiercely. My dad was ill and to a degree, I think so was my mum. I forgive them for the past but it still hurts at times. The images come back, there is still a bitterness at not being believed (even though I know why she did that) the not being protected. I then feel guilty for feeling the negative emotions towards two people whom I love/loved very much.

Sorry to go on I just kind of wanted to explain why I feel like I do about my mother and it just kept on pouring out.
My mother is now a best friend, a beautiful mother and grandmother. She knows a bit about how I feel about the past, but I don’t see the point in hurting her anymore by going over it with her. She has her own demons to live with.
She is supportive of me, my girls adore her and I have every faith in her looking after my girls at any time. She has them overnight and I do not worry at all. She does not drink when she has them, she told me and I believe her. Today, she is taking them both to the theatre.

I think I am trying to ask, does anyone feel that they want to share their childhood demons but feel so guilty cos they love their parents and it feels somehow disloyal to say anything negative about them? I want to offload some of the stuff but I am struggling to get over the hurdle of feeling disloyal. I would like to know if anyone can relate to the loving parents fiercely but feeling bad about stuff that has happened?

Hippy