[igetallnumb]

I dont know what happened. Something snapped. Today I had to take care of my 2 little cousins and my disabled father with no sleep from the night before and withfrawing off opiates..... not a good combo. I was ok when the girls were here with me but when they left after my uncle picked them up .... I dropped something on the floor and that was it... my mind was gone.

The walls were closing in...I felt panic like never before... and I just needed to feel like I had some sort of control. I went into the bathroom and picked up a blade... it took every last bit of energy I had put it down and to call a cab and go to the psych ward.
When I got there I quickly explained. And being that I have prior incedents of self mulitalion and suicide attempts they wasted no time having someone see me. I was shaken up and from what the docs say "out of touch with reality" I didnt know what today was, I was confused even didnt know who I was at times.
The doctors had to strip me down and make sure I had no cuts. It was embarrassing but necessary.
Finally the doc came in with sedatives so he could talk to me clearer. I explained Im an opiate addict but he knew that already from my chart. I explained after some calm set in that i dunno know what happened that I dropped something in the kitchen and snapped. I then told him I had to run the whole house today and watch 2 children and a dad who cannot do anything for himself while withdrawing off opiates... he then furrowed his brow and said "you should have never been given that responsibility at all your not well enough for that at all"
The doctor told me that a person like me who is very unstable already when withdrawing off of something that stabilizes me is very very dangerous.
He sent me home by ambulette and had the paramedics make sure I was home with someone. (what a doc huh)
Tonight was so damn scary.... beyond scary. Its like your mind has hold and ur stuck u have to ride it ... thank god I didnt ride it all the way or I wold be in a locked down ward right now or dead....
Since then I have not eaten nor dont want to
Im just lost...somebody help me tonight ... im so scared of what i did