[Juls]

Hi everyone,

Sorry to just drop out of sight like that. Sometimes I go through these "spells" as I call them, where I start feeling a very high level of genralized anxiety. When I get like that it is hard for me to function. I don't want to talk to anyone, don't want to leave my house, I just kind of crawl inside myself and hide. Fortunately, it doesn't happen too often. Then, when I feel better, I can come out and talk about it. Why I can't talk when I'm going through this I don't know.

I'm also having a little health issue, which could be related. Sorry guys, but this is a female thing. I've been having my cycle for three weeks now. I had my dr's appt. and they've put me on a low dose estrogen, and have scheduled a uterine biopsy, which is complicated just a little because I have two of things, i.e., two cerivxes, two uteri. I know that this is not an uncommon thing that happens to women during peri, and menopause, but I'm really scared to death of Dr.s.

I have had difficulties in that area of my body, and I've always had an irrational fear that I would die of some type of female cancer. The fact that more women die from heart disease than those kinds of cancer does not reassure me at all. My grandmother died of some type of female cancer when she was around my age. However the Dr. did say that uterine cancer is not hereditary, so that did make me feel better.

I had an episode of this when I was very young, and it turned out to be a large ovarian cyst which needed to be removed. I've been through surgery, and almost every time I've had some type of emotional breakdown afterwards. I have an extreme fear of dying on the operating table.

I hate being afraid like this, and I try to tell myself what good is being afraid going to do. Nothing. If it happens, it happens. Then I have morbid thoughts that maybe I should die. I've already gone through so much in life, what's another 20 years or so. How sick is that. The most shameful thing to me is that I actually fantasize about having people pay attention to me. So then I think that God will punish me and let it happen to me because of thinking like that.

I hate admitting what a weak person I am.

So that's my news. If for some reason you see I'm not on the boards for several days again, it's most likely because I'm having one of those anxiety episodes. I would not just leave the boards without letting people know.

Thank you for your concern.

Juls