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I'm learning so much through this forum and my life is still a mess, but as I've picked up from around here and from therapy, I choose to do what I do and I have chose to do what I have done.
I know that no matter what happens with my relationship with my estranged wife, I will be a better person for finally acknowledging her hurts, my role in that, and the crap I have leveled on all those around me. I no longer need to seek solace or sympathy from those elements which are dangerous to me.
If I knew what I am beginning to recognize now, ten years back, I'd be preparing for the holidays with my wife and child, not involved with a lawyer regarding a separation, or looking for a suitable other place to live. One slip into drugs, coupled with my personality issues and Bi-Polar Disoprder, led me to lie, betray, engage in dangerous activity, and shatter all that was good. That said, I am young enough to regroup and still have hope.
I am trying to finally realize the First Step. I always flip-flop them. I make amends when I am high. I can fool myself into taking a moral inventory when I am making hundreds of dollars of cell phone calls to another woman. My goals are now to take what life has to offer and on its terms. I need to finally grow up, grow a skin, and realize that no else can do it for me.
Thank You All for Your Support,
K
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